Back on My Knees Again

Every now and then we have experiences that bring us to our knees. For us, that experience came about two months ago when Emma was born, with an encore this past week. Everything ultimately turned out (almost) fine, but we definitely had a reminder this week of Who is in charge.

Timmy received vaccinations a few weeks ago and had been limping off and on since then. He would limp when he woke up from naps and bedtime, and would then start walking normally later in the day. A little too young for arthritis, we were concerned. I took him to see his pediatrician, but of course the limping did not appear when we were actually sitting in his office. He said it was an odd presentation of symptoms, but he did not think that the symptoms were too concerning. He mentioned that there were some labs that he would run if the problem continued, but he didn’t think it was warranted yet. I was a little curious, but I dismissed it and didn’t ask about the labs. He sent us home with some instructions for a leg massage and told us to come back if the symptoms did not improve in a few weeks.

Last weekend Tim and I celebrated our six-year anniversary by traveling to Kansas City for a few days of eating, shopping and hanging out together as a family (with Timmy). All weekend I had a nagging sensation that something was wrong with Timmy. I wrote this off as being a little over-sensitized to problems with my child after having lost a child. I know that this is very common for bereaved parents, so I tried to ignore my “Mother’s Intuition.” The limping persisted through the weekend, but seemed to get better by Monday morning.
On Monday I started my day at work. After a few hours, I checked my cell phone and noticed that I had received several phone calls from Timmy’s daycare provider, Laurel. Laurel almost never calls unless there is a serious problem, and she certainly refrains from calling several times. Something was up and I immediately grew worried. I called Laurel and she told me that Timmy had taken a very light fall while trying to kick a ball. She said that he would not put any weight on one leg. Initially he appeared to be limping on his right leg, and then he would not walk on his left leg. This was fairly odd, so I called the pediatrician (always great to work in the hospital…you get great service). The pediatrician sounded a little concerned and told me to go immediately to the ER. He said he was booked up with patients for the morning, but he would call down to make sure that we got some labwork done and were not just sent home without “checking on some things.” I wanted to know what he was looking for…after all, why are we drawing blood to diagnose what appeared to be an orthopedic injury?? He told me he was concerned that Timmy’s symptoms fit the pattern of Leukemia and he wanted to “make sure.”

LEUKEMIA!!

I told myself to pull it together, take a deep breath and not get too ahead of myself. There was no diagnosis. Leukemia was just on the list of things that it could POSSIBLY be. Breath. Needless to say, there is no such thing as “relax” when a doc tells you that he is concerned that your child could potentially have cancer. I immediately called Tim and asked him to pick Timmy up from daycare and bring him in. I did not think I could drive. I also called my boss to let him know that I would be in the ER and not traveling to Topeka for another work-related issue like we had discussed earlier that day. Instead of getting a hold of my boss, I got the hospital commander’s secretary. She could sense that something was wrong and asked me about it. As much as I told myself I would not break down, as soon as the secretary asked, I started crying. She talked to me for a few minutes and I felt fairly embarrassed for “freaking out” on her.
So, I went down to the emergency room to wait for Tim and Timmy to arrive. One of the nurses told me that the pediatrician had already called and clued them in that we would be coming and discussed “the labs” he wanted to draw. They were all concerned and had already cleared a room for Timmy and checked him in to the ER before he even arrived. As soon as Timmy arrived, he was immediately seen and put into a room. We spoke to the doctor for a while and they drew some blood (a process that makes any parent’s heart bleed for their child).
About an hour later we finally got confirmation that Timmy did NOT have any of the markers for cancer. They got him in for some X-rays and some more exams. The ortho doc was not able to make it down to see him, so we ended up having to set up an appointment for the next day. They splinted his legs and released Timmy for the day. The pediatrician came down on his lunch and saw Timmy in the ER. He said he felt very comfortable with the fact that Timmy probably had an injury and not some sort of “sinister” disease. He definitely understood the stress we had been under that morning and probably knew that his prescription for extra TLC was probably more for us as his parents than for Timmy. At any rate, we were ecstatic that Timmy did not have any of the markers for cancer, though we were sorry to see that he had a leg injury. We were absolutely exhausted after only a few hours in the ER.

Ultimately everything worked out for Timmy this week. He saw the orthopedic surgeon the next morning and now sports a bright blue cast. It breaks my heart to see him struggle to walk with his cast, but at the same time, I am absolutely relieved that he has such a “minor” medical issue. I don’t mean to overdramatize our experience this week, but it really did make me stop to think about how very fragile life is. We have certainly learned this lesson in the past few weeks and months as we have grieved for Emma, but it definitely takes on a whole new meaning when you cope with the potential for a serious disease of the child who has already become a part of our lives.

We are lucky. We only had to deal with the potential for a childhood cancer for a few hours. Unfortunately, there are many parents who have to deal with the reality of childhood cancers every day. Those mothers, fathers and innocent babies have been on my mind this entire week. As I am counting our blessings, I have remembered to pray for those who count the days…number of days left of chemo, number of days until the next surgery, number of days left with a sick child. Remember these heroes in your prayers this week.