The Decker Family

Welcome Baby Lydia!

2010-10-17T22:16:00.000-05:00

Blessings abound! Tim and I are thrilled to announce the birth of Lydia Alyse Decker. Lydia was born on October 10, 2010 at Wilford Hall in Lackland Air Force Base, San Antonio. She weighed in at a whopping 6 lbs, 6 oz, which made for a really easy delivery and an even easier recovery.

We entered the hospital on the evening of 9 October, after a three-day delay in getting to the hospital for an induction. Everything went really smoothly and she arrived in a little over twelve hours. Tim was able to make it from Kansas to be there for the birth, so we were all-around really pleased with the way everything worked out. Since everyone was so healthy and Lackland was experiencing somewhat of a "bed situation" at the Labor and Delivery Unit, we were able to go home on the early discharge program. We were thrilled to get out of the hospital as quickly as possible and start enjoying our family time together at home.

This week has been fairly hectic. Tim and I have been taking turns staying up with Lydia, who has not quite gotten adjusted to U.S. time (we think she is operating on a schedule somewhere in the Middle East). Meanwhile, I have been trying to keep up with my schoolwork in between feedings. I had two quizzes and a midterm this week, which I somehow managed to take without the benefit of my usual cup of coffee (no caffeine for the baby). Despite being a little tired, everything has worked out really well this week thanks to the help of my three heroes...Tim, Mom and Cansu. Mom and Cansu have done most of the cooking, cleaning and taking care of Timmy. Tim has helped with Lydia and has given me the opportunity to study and keep up with my schoolwork. Without this team I don't know where I'd be! They are truly my heroes!

This whole pregnancy has been one of the most challenging and enriching experiences of my life. Tim and I have a profound respect for the miracle that takes place in pregnancy and birth. We are reminded of how far we have come in the last year and a half and just how much of a blessing this healthy pregnancy is. We would like to thank everyone for all of the love, support and prayers that you have offered to us through this entire experience. We feel surrounded by love and have been blessed by your prayers.

Buyer Beware!

2010-07-25T22:22:00.002-05:00

I have been absolutely floored by the service problems I have had with ADT (the home security company). A few weeks ago, I had an alarm event in the middle of the night. The alarm was triggered and ran for several minutes while I carefully checked the house to determine what had triggered the alarm. ADT DID NOT RESPOND!!!!

Since ADT did not respond or even give me a courtesy call, I attempted to contact the monitoring service. I could not get through and was placed on hold for a long time. The next morning I thought surely everything was a fluke, and I attempted to contact the monitoring service and was placed on hold AGAIN.

When I finally got through, they sent a technician out to my house to determine why the signal did not work. He could not identify a problem and said everything was working fine.

I have requested that my contract with ADT be terminated on the grounds that the equipment is unreliable (the signal did not go through when the alarm was triggered) and also because the monitoring service is unreliable (I was unable to reach them on two occasions). I thought that surely I would be allowed to end my contract since ADT was not providing the monitoring service that I am paying a monthly premium for. I was wrong.

ADT's position is that since they cannot identify the problem that caused the failure in my alarm system, they have no responsibility to do anything else. They also hold the position that they are not responsible if their customers cannot access the monitoring service because they cannot control call volume (personally, I would consider this a staffing issue that should be addressed...)

At any rate, if you are considering ADT or if you have this service, please be aware that the monitoring you may be receiving may not be reliable. Also be aware that if you need to access the monitoring service because you are having an alarm event, you may not be able to get through. And, despite the monthly premium you pay, ADT will be unwilling to refund your money if they drop the ball on your monitoring.

Most customers will never need ADT's monitoring service and will thus never really know whether the service is reliable or not. My experience tells me that the service is NOT reliable. Please be aware of this fact if you have ADT or are considering purchasing this lousy service. Invest in a dog or a cell phone...you stand a much better chance at resting safer at night.

Speak softly and carry a big stick....

2010-07-03T00:51:00.005-05:00

So, two weeks into grad school and I feel like I got hit by a bus. For those of you who may not know, there is a mentality that we can provide as much education to our folks as anyone in the civilian world, only faster. I am currently taking 17 grad school credit hours, all compressed into a two-month semester. We will complete all of our classes by the end of this year and enter residency next year. So, needless to say, sleep is a luxury at this point (which is why I am on the Internet at 1am).

Anyway, the past two weeks have been interesting to say the least. Last Sunday I decided to take an evening run at about 8:45pm (because that is the only time you can run in San Antonio). I was feeling great and ran three miles (pregnancy hasn't completely caught up with me yet). As I was on my cool-down, I got bitten by a dog in the neighborhood. Some lady was walking her two terriers and had them on a leash. As I passed her, one of her dogs ran after me and bit me right on the knee. It drew blood instantly and the knee swelled up like a goose egg.

So, I figured accidents happen. I didn't get mad, I just turned around to talk to the lady. Would you believe the next words that came out of her mouth? Direct quote: "Why didn't you STOP!? Really, you should be a more responsible runner (incidentally, I was walking at the time). You saw me with my dogs on the sidewalk, why weren't you running in the street?!" (A great idea after dark...she was full of good ideas).

So, I physically took a step back, closed my eyes, took three deep breaths (At this point I was very thankful for the three hours of stress management training we had the week prior). After I calmed myself, I started with something like this... "Lady, let me tell you something....."

By this time the dog is growling, so I decided it really wasn't going to help my case to get in a fight about the dog bite. I was actually pretty nice about it, but I did feel like she needed to be made aware of what her responsibilities were as a dog owner. In the end I told her I would not press charges and would not sue her (generous, given the fact that she NEVER apologized). She continued to make her point about how I can improve myself by becoming a more responsible runner and running in the street so her vicious dog can have the sidewalk to himself. She made me sick.

Anyway, I ended up spending the rest of the evening (and morning) in the ER. Since class is not really an optional participation event, I got up the next morning (a few hours later) and went to class. Thus started a pretty long streak of sleepless nights, but I have at least learned that it is possible to exist on 5 hours a night or less (not comfortable, but possible).

Anyway, I spent a few days being a giant baby in a leg immobilizer, but once the swelling went down, I was completely fine.

The past two weeks of class have been really grueling, but I have to admit, I am enjoying it. My classmates are great and we really do work well together. It is nice to have such a small class and a pretty small teacher-student ratio.

Tim just arrived at the National Training Center in California, so I probably won't hear from him very much for the next month. Timmy is doing great with Cansu. We got him enrolled in daycare once a week to keep him socialized with other toddlers. We call this place the Country Club because of all the fun things they do with the kids there. They have a little water park, indoor and outdoor playgrounds, a little soda shop, a kitchen for cooking lessons, art, learning rooms and a million other things. Timmy loves it and it give Cansu a little breather during the week as well.

Timmy is really coming along with his growth and development. His latest interests include Toy Story 3 and puzzles. I bribed him with a Woody action figure one late night at Wal-Mart (doesn't everyone do their grocery shopping at 10pm?) Since then he has been going around the house asking "Where's my Woody??" He has also started doing jigsaw puzzles. I have to admit, I am pretty proud of him on this account. My Aunt Cathy sent him a big floor puzzle and I thought he would never be able to put it together. He really surprised me this week! The best part of this little arrangement is that he can concentrate on these puzzles for a half hour at a time or more. I didn't know that was possible for two year olds! Perhaps I'm biased, but I think he's the best kid ever.

Fun Down South

2010-06-15T22:54:00.014-05:00

Bottom line up front: I love living in Texas. We have experienced a lot of new and exciting changes, mixed with the bittersweet reality of living separated from Tim.

On a happy note, Tim and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary. We could hardly believe how short 7 happy years can fly by, and just how much "life" got crammed into those seven years. We looked at our wedding pictures and were amazed at how young we looked!

For our anniversary, Tim came down to San Antonio and I surprised him with a few fun activities. One evening we spent dining on the "Riverwalk" at an outstanding restaurant that we both enjoyed. We spent the rest of the evening doing a wine tasting (well, Tim anyway) and taking a riverboat tour of San Antonio. The next day was incredibly busy. I got up and ran 3 miles (yes, I'm still feeling great. I don't think my body has realized it is pregnant) and then took Timmy to the pool for some family fun. Afterwards Tim and I splurged on a couple's golf lesson. If anyone wants the name of a great gold pro in San Antonio, we have your man. This guy got us both consistently hitting balls straight down the green, at least twice as far as we were hitting before. We were thrilled and had a great time. My only problem was that Lydia seems to enjoy golfing too, because she was wiggling around a LOT while I was trying to swing. This really didn't help with my concentration, but maybe we have a future golfer in the works.

Tim and I completed the day with a couple's massage and dinner out (at the Cheesecake factory, my new passport to gluttony). We had a great time and were happy to take some time out to celebrate 7 years of marriage.

Over the past few weeks I have pretty much been running errands and vacationing in San Antonio with Cansu and Timmy. This has been a really valuable time because it has helped me relax and decompress from Company Command and moving headaches and has put me in the right relaxed state to prepare to start school. No kidding, my heartrate has dropped 20 points since I moved down here.

Cansu, Timmy and I have been to the Riverwalk in San Antonio, where we had dinner, ate organic ice cream and took a River cruise. Cansu was absolutely delighted by all of the sights along the river and I was thrilled to be able to show her to a good time. We also went to the Children's Museum one day, where we basically just played with a bunch of toys for a few hours. Cansu jumped right in and played with Timmy at all the exhibits. I am not sure who had more fun...Timmy or Cansu.

I also took Timmy to Sea World. This turned into a really touching day for me. Cansu was not feeling well that day, so she opted to stay home and rest. I was pretty bummed at the prospect of spending an entire day at Sea World with no adult interaction, but the day turned into a learning experience for me as a parent. Timmy and I went on our own, and we both had the time of our lives. I got to spend a rare moment alone with my son, and we really bonded and had a great time. I realized just how much I have been missing as a parent lately since I have been working so much. It was a good reminder of just how rewarding it can be to get priorities straight with your family. Anyway, off my soap box. Timmy and I had a great time and I will never forget our special day. Maybe Shamu has a little magic in him...

I have also had a few experiences that I can only describe as "Texas" since I have been here. One of those is my discovery of the "mega-church." Lucretia Melton, a longtime family friend from Virginia gave me the number of her sister in San Antonio. She mentioned that her sister went to a large church, so I decided to give her a call and check in when we arrived. For the past few weeks we have been visiting this church that really warrants a description on this blog. First, upon entering the church, the parking lot of more akin to parking at Sea World than any church I have ever attended. The only difference is that instead of of parking in section "Shamu" the million lots are lettered and numbered. So, if you were smart enough to leave the house at least an hour early to account for traffic and parking (a problem we tend to have on Sunday mornings in our household) you should arrive to church in plenty of time. But, if you are a heathen like me, you rely on the "I'm pregnant" card and park up front (then ask for prayer and forgiveness for being so lazy). Upon entering the building, you should probably get a map and a tour guide, because it is big enough to warrant this. I checked Timmy into the nursery, which was bigger than the Child Development Center that he attended at Fort Riley. They have an electronic tracking system complete with bar codes, key fobs for parents and a "your baby won't stop crying" notification system in the sanctuary. Wow. At any rate, Timmy may as well have been back at sea World because he loved being at church. I had to peel him out of the room when we left. Upon entering the sanctuary, I was completely overwhelmed. First thing I noticed was the absence of pews. Instead, there was stadium seating for thousands that was similar to an over sized movie theater. At first I was a little concerned, because comfort in church spells disaster when it comes to staying awake in church. I usually prefer my hard seats and the occasional poke in the rib from the person next to me to keep me on track. However, the pastor was so good I actually got lost in the hour and a half service and somehow didn't realize that the sermon had gone over the requisite time frame. I have to admit, this is the first time that has ever happened. I was really impressed by the preacher. I was also pretty impressed by the jumbo-tron screens on either side of the church. With the professional videographers and giant screens, you could just about see the nose hairs on the members of the band (who were quite talented and extremely professional.) Another thing that I just couldn't help but notice was the set-up in the bathroom. There were leather Lazy-Boy chairs in the women's room, complete with flat screen televisions with live streams of the sermon. So, if you are the God-Warrior plagued by amoebic dysentery on Sunday morning, there is still hope for you. The church has you covered...come on in, you won't miss the sermon.

I make a lot of jokes, but I share the story because I was really impressed by the Church and pretty excited to find a great place so quickly. It is also an illustration of a lesson I have definitely learned since being here: everything is bigger in Texas (most of all, the churches). Tim made the comment that there is more technology in the church than what we see in the state-of-the-art training facilities at Fort Riley (which are pretty impressive by their own right). I have to agree.

So, alas my vacation has ended and work started this week. We had orientation for school this week, which was mercifully light. We start classes full time next week, and by full-time, I mean FULL TIME. In order to give us a full year for residency, they have crammed two years of classroom learning into 52 weeks. What that boils down to is that we will be taking 17 hours in a semester that has been truncated to about two months each. We have a total of 5 semesters with oral boards at the end of the year. What this means for me is that I will need to be back in class almost immediately after having Lydia. Missing more than a week of class will be like missing several weeks in a normal school. Ain't got no worries, ain't got no stress... :)

This is where it is so wonderful to have Cansu around. Not only is she really turning out to be a good house-mate, but she really, really, really helps me out with Timmy. I feel like I was really selective in choosing her, and I could not be more happy with the match. While Tim is away, it is so nice to come home to another adult and spend time cooking, eating, chatting and laughing. Cansu helps out with Timmy a LOT, which is helps bridge the gap of only having one parent around and takes a lot off of me. Aside from that, it has also been a lot of fun getting to learn more about Turkey. I can tell you one thing-when it comes to good cooking, the Turkish cooks take the cake. Cansu has fixed a few dishes and I have loved every single one of them. We scoped out a Turkish restaurant, which has quickly become a favorite in the sea of San Antonio dining choices. I'm also slightly addicted to Turkish coffee, which is a bit of a bummer since I really shouldn't be drinking it while pregnant. All in all, I have really been happy with our choice to host an au pair. I would highly recommend this program to anyone who needs flexible childcare and is willing to host an international student. The rewards and learning experience for everything is worth every penny (shameless plug).

Put a Big Texas Smile on Your Face...

2010-05-31T09:45:00.009-05:00

And the baby's name is....

Tim and I finally decided on a name for our little girl. We really struggled with this, but in the end I strong-armed him into settling on a name. I found myself calling her "Emma" to myself and wanted to give her a unique name to help with moving on with this pregnancy. Lydia's full name will be Lydia Alyse Decker. Alyse is pronounced ah-lees, which is a french pronunciation. (Can anyone guess which portion of her name Tim picked?)

I would have preferred to wait on setting up the nursery, but Timmy and Lydia will be sharing a room and I needed to start coordinating their bedding so Timmy would have some blankets. Timmy's side of the room will have blue and brown turtles and Lydia's side will have pink and brown ladybugs. The turtles and the ladybugs are made by the same bedding company and sort of match (more or less). So, we have started buying some things for Lydia, which makes me nervous and happy at the same time. I have been fortunate that Lydia has been so active lately. She reminds me that she's in there and that things are going well with her when she kicks and moves.

I guess it is a good thing that I am feeling so much baby movement. My prenatal care is on hold for a long while, thanks to the most inefficient maternity care program in the country--Brook Army Medical Center. I really try not to complain about the care I receive and I am genuinely appreciative of the outstanding care I have received from the Army in the past. However, upon coming to Fort Sam Houston, I have discovered that I was pretty much spoiled before. Due to the numerous appointments I have to get complete before getting a prenatal appointment, it will probably be about July before I can get seen again. Geez, I hope nothing goes wrong between now and then.

Being in Texas has been both a blessing and a challenge. We have had a LOT of things to do in the last few weeks, but I have been fortunate enough to have the help of my parents and Tim. We finished moving everything in the house in about a week. I really love the new house, despite a few issues with the landlord (welcome to renting). Now I am working on things like a driver's license, voter registration and other really fun tasks.

Our good news for the week is that Cansu has arrived! Cansu arrived late in the evening on Thursday. We had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory (my weakness since arriving in San Antonio) and then pretty much went to bed. Tim arrived from Kansas for Memorial Day weekend on Friday, so we put chores on hold for a few days and had some fun. On Saturday we went tubing on the Comal River. For those who have not visited Texas, "tubing" refers to jumping in an inner tube and floating down a river for a few hours. We all really enjoyed the relaxation, although the trip a pretty crowded with college students home for Memorial Day weekend. On Sunday we went to the San Antonio Zoo. Despite the intense heat, we all had a really great time. Cansu has graced us with her cooking and has shared some great Turkish traditions with us. Tim and I have a new addiction to overcome-Turkish coffee. Turkish coffee is thick and potent. Cansu makes it using a copper pot she brought me as a gift and serves it in a really cute coffee set she brought. We love it! (yeah, yeah, I know. Coffee is a no-go with pregnancy, but I limit how much I drink).

I am enclosing a few pictures of our adventure at the Action Figure Museum and our trip to the zoo.

Blessings in Pink

2010-05-17T17:05:00.003-05:00

This has been a really exciting week for all of us. Last week we were swamped with work in preparation for the move. We are happy to announce that after a few late nights and exhausting days, we finally got everything packed and prepared to move. On Friday, we successfully closed on our house. We felt like a weight had been lifted from our shoulders. We were VERY thankful to have dodged an entire week of severe storms and tornado threats. It would have put a damper on our closing date to have had our house relocated by a tornado.

Our really, really exciting news is that we got a free and clear ultrasound complete on Friday. They looked at all the major organ systems and everything seems to be "unremarkable." We also found out that our little baby is going to be a GIRL!!! Bring on the pink, I'm so excited! We have agreed that regardless of the outcome, this is going to be our last pregnancy. I have always dreamed of raising a little girl, so this was my last chance. I almost cried when the tech told us that she saw a little girl. Tim is a little less than thrilled (he is not sure how he is going to cope with raising a little girl) but he was very happy that the baby is healthy. That is the important thing to both of us.

We are at a loss for picking a girl's name. This is a little task we have been working on since we were married, but we figure we will need to accelerate our efforts if we are to decide before October. So, we are taking name nominations. If you have any good suggestions, please send them my way. I am looking for something that is not completely common but a little bit of a "classic." Good start, huh?

I will provide more updates and pictures as I get time. For right now, it's back to unpacking!

Farewell to the Medical Company

2010-05-09T15:55:00.010-05:00

My tummy-17 weeks!
Our little heart-breaker

Change of Command ceremony

My company (well, about 1/4 of it)

Passing the guidon

This has been a bittersweet week. For twenty two months I have commanded a company, a responsibility that has resulted in midnight phone calls, after hours duties, long hours at work and a great burden of caring for over three hundred Soldiers in my command. However, it has also been a great honor and on most days, a lot of fun. Preparing for the change of command this week has been a lot more hectic than I had anticipated, so it went by extremely quickly and kept me from having much time to sit back and dwell on the changes that were about to take place.

We finally got to Friday and the Change of Command Ceremony was a success. After the longest receiving line I have ever stood in, I picked up the last of my things and quietly relinquished my parking spot to the new commander. My command was yesterday's news and everyone else in the company was out celebrating with the new commander. Despite being accompanied by Tim and Timmy Ryan, it was a very lonely moment. I had an hour until I had to be back for an awards ceremony I was expected to attend, and it occurred to me that for the first time in 22 months, I really had no where to go and nothing to do. This was a very foreign feeling to me. I was deeply relieved to have completed every task that was required to change command and felt that a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders now that I was no longer responsible for over 300 people. At the same time, I felt a little lost as well. I have gotten accustomed to the pace of life of a commander and was suddenly hit head-on with an open space in my calendar. What an odd feeling.

Tim, Timmy and I walked away from the ceremony to the daycare next door to drop Timmy back off. As I shared that quiet moment with my family, it occurred to me that that particular moment was ever so typical of the military experience. We enter a new job, go 100 miles an hour for the duration of the assignment, crank up the heat at the end as we close out that assignment, and then we walk away slowly...alone but together with our family. At the end of every military assignment, when we feel the sense of loneliness that accompanies the goodbyes that we say to our friends, we still get the privilege of walking away with our families. At the end of each assignment, the loved ones at our side will have grown, developed and changed over the course of that assignment. Hopefully we were responsible enough as service members to take the time to notice and take part in that change an development, because at the end of the day, the one stable thing we take on with us from each assignment is our family.

______________________

On another note, this weekend has been much more relxed, but also very exciting. Earlier in the week there was a "tasking" (military order) that went out calling for spouses of Soldiers from all over post to participate in a town hall meeting. Tim's battalion was responsible for providing a spouse of a company commander for this tasking. I volunteered, since I figured I no longer had any excuses about being too busy commaning a company of my own. so, on Saturday I showed up to this meeting and was surprised to find that the "special guest" was the Robert Gates, the Secretary of Defense. He met with the spouses of Fort Riley to get a better idea of what types of things can be done to improve the life of military families. There were a lot of concerns and ideas raised in the meeting, and in the end we all got a chance to do a quick photo session and received a Secretary of Defense coin and a rose. It was quite a treat to be able to attend this special event. For military special occasions, it is customary to carry around the coin from the highest ranking person who has "coined" you. I doubt this one is going to get trumped any time soon. What an honor!

Mother's Day has been a sleepy event in our household, which I must admit has been completely appropriate. I think the one thing I wanted most for Mother's Day was a little rest. We went to church and then out to eat with our special friends Corey and Kelly. After lunch we took a much-needed family nap.

I can also officially say that I received the classiest Mother's Day gift of all--a six pack and a box of chocolates. Since I have been pregnant, obviously I have not been drinking. There has been a running joke for the last few months of command that I just need a drink some nights. For Mother's Day, Tim got me a six-pack of O'Doul's (non-alcoholic beer) to celebrate the day.

On Friday Tim got me necklace and a set of matching earrings to commemorate the Change of Command. This was more of a Mother's Day/ Change of Command combo gift, so I guess I can't exactly be putat the butt of too many jokes, but it makes a good story nonetheless.

Travel and Great News!

2010-04-28T21:02:00.014-05:00

Our new place!
Tim and Timmy at our resort in San Diego

Timmy at Polar Bear exhibit at Sea World

Let's watch a Disneyland parade!

Tim, Rick, Rachel, Timmy ad I at the Bug's Life attraction at Disneyland

Groom's cake for Rehearsal dinner for Rick and Rachel's wedding. This cake was made in a borrowed kitchen by Kate Wilkerson (Tim and Rick's very talented cousin)

Take a bow Kate!

Timmy playing with "Uncle Boo-Boo"

Congratulations Rick and Rachel!

Timmy and Grandma Jan

Great news! We got the results of our quad screen test back today for the new baby. It was negative! This is not a 100% positive assurance that there are no major issues, but it indicates that there are no markers for increased risk. So the baby is most likely free of genetic disorders and neural tube defects. What great news!

Tim and I also got to peek at the baby this week. It took the midwife a really long time to get the heartbeat because the baby kept moving so much. "She" is an active little one! When we did a quick ultrasound, she was pretty much break-dancing. A LOT of movement!

We are getting ready to move to Texas, and the move will take place right as I would ordinarily be getting the anatomy ultrasound done. This is obviously a huge issue for us, since we really cling to more and more positive assurance that the baby is doing well. Thanks to a really supportive staff at the hospital, we were able to finagle a slightly early appointment for the "big ultrasound" so it could be accomplished before I move. I am really happy to be getting this done at our hospital so we do not have to worry about setting up appointments and waiting for availability when we get to Texas. I also happen to particularly like the staff at our hospital. So, God willing, we will arrive in San Antonio with some extra assurance and some knowledge about the baby's gender. Great news!

We just returned from two weeks of fun travel. Tim, Timmy and I went to San Diego to attend Rick's (Tim's brother) wedding. While we were there, we took a week to vacation at Disneyland, Sea World and around San Diego. We had a blast and really enjoyed the family time. Rick and Rachel had a beautiful wedding that was definitely memorable for everyone.

After our vacation, Tim returned to Kansas for field training and I flew directly to San Antonio to look for a house. Timmy stayed with his grandparents in California and had a blast! San Antonio was surprisingly relaxing for me, and turned out to be just what I needed. I was in a great hotel (highly recommend the Townplace Suites by Marriott if you are ever in San Antonio). The hotel had every service imaginable (for free!) and included two meals a day (well, if you don't mind hotdogs and tacos for dinner). They even shop at a local grocery store for you! So, for a week I had no childcare responsibilities, someone else had the reigns for my company and I didn't have to cook. I had a blast (despite being a little lonely). I am feeling great (have to look at my expanding belly to convince myself I am pregnant) and was able to work out every day (three miles of running, one mile power walk).

The good news from last week is that I found a great place to live. We will be living in Cibolo, Texas, which is slightly north of San Antonio, in the suburbs. The house is absolutely beautiful, with much more space and a lot of nice little features (garden tub, window seats in the master bedroom, open floor plan, really clean and new). I was really happy with this place and super excited to move in!

I only have one and half weeks left in command (change of command is 7 May). Leaving command will be a little bittersweet, but I am really looking forward to the next step in my career. It will be nice to have a solid two years of being responsible only for myself and my family instead of 300+ Soldiers. It has truly been an honor to serve, but it will be an honor to pass the reigns and move on as well. It will be a mixed blessing to move on to San Antonio and start the Baylor program.

...Moving Forward

2010-04-15T00:07:00.002-05:00

On my last post, I titled "Looking back and moving forward." Well, I sort of omitted the part about "moving forward." So, here goes:

Ahem.

WE'RE PREGNANT!

Tim and I have been blessed with this fun little secret for about 14 weeks now. We have been very, very nervous about everything, especially given our last experience with pregnancy. However, we have had a few ultrasounds and some paranoia-generated heartbeat checks, but everything has always checked out just fine. Our last little check-up was last week, where baby Decker's heartbeat was 156 bpm, right on track.

As for me, this pregnancy has been (physically) a piece of cake. A little nausea, but I am holding a personal record for not yacking through the entire first trimester. I am still running and all of my energy has returned since moving into the second trimester. This has been my easiest pregnancy yet, but I guess after the last one, almost anything would seem easy.

I have been saying a daily prayer for Baby Decker, and I would like to humbly ask for additional prayers as well. I pray that this baby will be kept healthy and formed in the image that God has planned. (We would really like to have a little girl, but I haven't quite gotten the audacity to ask God for that one yet. I do, however, refer to the baby as "she" in my prayers. I am sure God is pretty good with hints.)

One another note, I have a few messages for some special people:

Congratulations Craig and Karen Bender on the birth of your third baby! Karen, we wish you a speedy recovery and hope that you enjoy these precious first moments.

Heather Sample & family: We are thinking of you as you approach your "one year." We will all remember Brian with fond memories and be thankful for the precious time that he had in your life. Heather, you are are a rock solid woman! You get my enduring respect for the graceful way you have dealt with your loss. Brian was one lucky man to have you walk beside him on the most difficult (and probably most rewarding) portion of his life. You gave him an opportunity to become a husband and a Dad and experience as much as possible out of the time he had left. My hats off to you and my prayers are with you as well, Heather.

Happy birthday Mom Barkley and Mom Decker! 35 never felt so gooood!

Looking Back and Moving Forward

2010-04-11T23:20:00.009-05:00

On Friday we honored the first anniversary of Emma's death. I have been anticipating this event for several weeks now with a bittersweet mixture of resumed grief and a positive sense of moving forward. Tim and I took a few hours off from work on Friday to have lunch and make the drive to Herington to visit Emma's grave. We planted tulips next to her grave, since Tulips will always bloom each year around her birthday. Tulips were also the flowers that I chose to carry in her honor at her funeral and the flowers that all of the family members placed on her casket to be buried with her. Not a spring will go by from now on that I will not see tulips and think of Emma.

While Tim and I were at the grave, we took the time to go through my boxes of things we have collected to remember her. It has been a while since I have gone through these boxes, which is a mark of healing, I suppose. Going through these items was definitely sad for the two of us, but it was also an experience of healing. One year later I can go through the boxes without sobbing. I can look at the few Earthly reminders that we have of Emma and remember her with a sense of warmth. In the past few days and weeks, I have relived almost every experience that I had through Emma's birth and the days beyond. Now as I reflect on these experiences one year later, I certainly remember the heartbreak and the sadness, but what is significant is that I can look at these experiences with happy remembrance as well. All of the events that surrounded this chapter of tragedy in our lives have been somewhat revised in my memory with a much more positive spin. The positive, warm memories stand out in my mind due to the love of friends and family that surrounded Tim, Emma and I and lifted us up through our darkness.

As we look back, we remember Dr. Evans, the maternal fetal medicine specialist who walked us through every step from the initial bad news to our discharge from the hospital. He is one of only a handful of doctors in Kansas that has the training to deal with high risk pregnancies, so it is not surprising that his patient load is enormous. Still, he took three hours of his time to go through every option with us, look up research in personal library and help navigate us through the hardest decisions of our lives. Through it all, he treated us like we were his only patients, though I knew we were just one couple of many. When I was in the hospital, every one of his staff came up to the ward to visit me--from the ultrasound tech to his nurses. This small gesture really made an impression. We were one of many, but we were made to feel special and loved by a wonderful staff led by a truly remarkable doctor.

Shortly before Emma was born, Corey and Kelly Boernsen moved in to our house for a few weeks. This was a blessing in our lives at exactly the time that we needed it. I met Kelly for the first time and it seemed like we had known each other for our entire lives. Corey and Kelly (with the creative help of Ryan and Nancy Kules) orchestrated the melon smashing event that I will never forget. (Sometimes I just want to go do it again simply because it was fun and completely childish.) Standing in our driveway in the middle of the night with melons, an axe, a a hammer, a bag of tomatoes and our closest friends and family was a memory I will carry for a lifetime. Now, one year later, I recently had the opportunity to fill out a background check questionnaire for Kelly's new job. When it asked me how long I had known her, I had to catch myself and fill out the truth-only one year. It seemed a little hard to believe given the special place that she and Corey have in our lives.

LTC Sherri Franklin walked beside me every step of the way through the entire pregnancy with Emma. She went out of her way to take care of me in every conceivable way. She took care of my physical needs as a health care provider, and also served my emotional needs as a friend and mentor. She visited me an hour away in Topeka, after working a full day herself and still having a family in need of dinner. She called to check up on and helped me keep my head up when I needed that strength. On Emma's birthday this year, she remembered to call and even sent flowers. LTC Franklin is a woman who is truly filled with a lot of love. Her patients are lucky to have a provider with such love and compassion. It is her love that defines her as a person and also as a provider and sets her apart from everyone else. I owe a lot to this very special person.

Chaplain Diana Crane also walked with me through this entire experience. She has been a chaplain and a friend to me in the two years that we have known each other. She's often overbooked in her service to the Lord, but she found the time to help me co-found a pregnancy and infant loss support group for our hospital. Working with this group has helped me find some positive meaning to our tragedy and assist others who have walked a sad mile in my shoes. Diana took care of all of the funeral arrangements and officiated the ceremony. Her words brought comfort to us, not just because they were spoken from someone so dear to us, but because she has a special way of putting together just the right sentiment for each moment.

Tim and I also felt surrounded by the love of our family. We had so many family in the house for Emma's funeral that we had to arrange a sleeping chart to account for all of the floor space and bed space in our house. Our family cooked for us and helped with all of the details of daily living that we didn't have the energy to fulfill around the time of the funeral.

Our list can go on and on. We were surrounded by love by so many friends and family who called, sent flowers and cards and attended the funeral. We anticipated a small memorial with pretty much just family, but were greeted by a church full of people on the day of Emma's funeral. None of these people knew Emma, so we can only judge their presence have been a sign of love and support for our family. We felt incredibly blessed.

For some reason I have had a lot of church hymns in my head lately. When I reflect on this experience, I can't help but sing to myself the old tune "Love Lifted Me."

"When nothing else could help...love lifted me." This song reminds me of the love that surrounded us through our experience and lifted us up in our sadness. This love was powerful enough to completely reshape our entire memory of these events, thus allowing us to remember more of the acts of love, kindness and friendship than the moments of grief and sadness. To all of our friends and family, we thank you for that.

. Tulips outside our house bloomed on Emma's birthday

Happy Easter!

2010-04-04T18:08:00.007-05:00

Happy Easter everyone! Today has been a really fun holiday for our family. We started the day by sleeping in (Timmy crawled in bed with us around 0700 and graced us with an extra hour of sleep). When we woke up, Timmy was excited to find that the Easter bunny had visited the house! He gathered eggs all the way to his Easter basket, which consisted of cars, eggs and candy. He was thrilled! Tim blessed us with his pancake-oriented culinary skills and then we were off to church. For Easter, Timmy wore a summer pin-striped suit with a peach tie. He impressed all the little ladies in his nursery class!

"I don't want to go to church!"

Getting through the Easter sermon was a little bit of an unexpected challenge for me this morning. Despite the festive mood that we created with our morning Easter egg hunt, I couldn't help but look back at Easter last year. I imagine that Easter will always remind me of Emma Grace. Last year we tried to push back the tears and celebrate Easter, despite being in the middle of planning a funeral for Emma. Sitting in church reminded me a lot of last Easter. I am pretty sure I am the only nerd in church that got misty-eyed during the second verse of "Because He Lives." The verse references the fact that holding a newborn baby is one of the greatest joys in the human experience, but implies that the joy is nothing compared to entering Heaven. I like to think that the joy that Tim and I sacrificed in holding Emma was traded for the joy that she experienced upon entering Heaven. Hence, the tears.

We got through the sermon and then got a great Easter Brunch at the conference center on Fort Riley. This was a special treat because Timmy got to play outside for a while after lunch. He jumped in a bouncy house and greeted some friends at the Easter egg hunt. (Well, he more or less sat in the bouncy house and let all the other kids bounce him, and we missed the Easter egg hunt in favor of an afternoon nap). We came home, napped and did another Easter egg hunt in front of the house. What a fun day!

Selling the House

2010-03-21T19:30:00.003-05:00

We are pleased to announce that we are 50% finished with the sale of our house. We got an offer last week and accepted. We are now going through the home inspections, etc. Unfortunately, getting to this point has led us on a crash collision with Murphy's Law. we've had some "fun" with an unexpected problem with our septic tank, but we got everything fixed and replaced. We just now need to repair the entire backyard that we spent all of last summer and fall getting prepared. Oh well, we are at least happy that everything is taken care of and seems to be back in working order.

Last weekend was our annual St. Patrick's Day Road Race. Tim and I ran this together, as we have done for the last several years. we had a great time and rewarded ourselves with a huge Chipotle burrito afterwards. I have some pictures that I will post when I get them.

Timmy is doing great. he is already wearing size 3T clothing because he is so tall! He is practically making speeches now and seems to enjoy every moment of life. He really enjoys sitting down to do crafts and coloring, or play with play dough. His attention span with these tasks is pretty long for a little boy. Most of the time Tim and I get bored before he does! This is a nice trait though, because it means we can always find a quiet task for him to do when we need him to settle down. WE are able to take him with us almost anywhere, to include nicer restaurants. He doesn't make a peep as long as he has some crayons or stickers.

HUGE NEWS! We are really excited to announce the arrival of my new niece, Wren Cedella Barkley. Brian and Karle finally met their long-awaited daughter a few weeks ago. We are happy to announce that both Mom and baby are doing great. We have seen lots of pictures and she is absolutely perfect. Way to go Brian and Karle! I guess it is a little surreal seeing my brother holding his baby girl in his arms, much the same way that it seemed like a dream to hold Timmy in our arms the first time. We are so happy for them as they start this chapter of their lives. Brian is taking classes, working full time and now juggling parenthood. I am not sure when he gets a chance to sleep, but he's doing a great job!

The month of April will be a busy one for us! We are going to California to celebrate the wedding of Rick (Tim's brother) and Rachel (beautiful bride). I will also be going to San Antonio to pick out a house to live in while I am attending Baylor. Given my lack of decision-making capability while shopping, this should prove to be quite an adventure. This goes double considering the fact that Tim (my voice of reason and decision) will not be there. I have five days to make a decision. While I am there I also need to finalize some tasks with getting our au pair ready to join our home. I talk to Cansu almost daily via e-mail. I am excited to get to know here a lot better and hear about life in Turkey. The more I get to know her, the more I am getting excited about her arrival. She seems like such a sweet person and such a great fit for our family. I have never participated in a cultural exchange type program before, so this will be a new adventure for me as well! From everyone I have talked to who has ever hosted an au pair, the experience has been great.

I Love it When a Plan Comes Together...

2010-03-07T11:52:00.003-06:00

We have been fairly busy lately trying to plan out our transition into the next phase of our careers and our next phase for our family. As you probably know, Tim and I will be separating for about 18 months while I attend Baylor University and Tim deploys later in the year. We hope to join back together at our next assignment (wherever that may be). Needless to say, this all takes quite a bit of planning and preparation. We are working on selling our house, and even got our first offer this weekend! We are crossing our fingers that this will work out.

Our biggest news is that we have picked our au pair! Our new au pair's name is Cansu, and she comes from Turkey. She will be joining us on May 27th in San Antonio. Cansu likes swimming, jogging and dogs (sounds like a great match!). She has a degree in Foreign Trade and is looking forward to coming to the US to help with childcare and to experience American culture. I am really looking forward to her arrival. It will be nice to have someone else around to help fill the empty house and make it much warmer. Her help with Timmy will make it much easier for me to go to school and study.

I am enclosing a picture of Cansu. She said I could post it. :)

Busy in March

2010-02-28T18:17:00.003-06:00

We have been quite delinqent in posting any updates through the winter. We have been fairly busy, mostly with preparations to move and our attempt at selling our house. OUr house officially went on the market about three weeks ago, which meant that we have a flurry of little projects to complete right before then. Since it has been on the market, we have had a steady stream of people coming by to look at it. On most occasions we have only gotten a hour or two worth of notice before the showing. This can be a bit of a challenge when you are working and have to find a place to stash a 140-lb dog! We have gotten used to keeping the house clean to OCD standards, but still we end up scrambling each time we have a potential buyer!

I am currently looking for my next place in San Antonio. There are a lot of great houses out there, and I plan to go in April to sign a lease on one of them. In fact, we are all looking forward to April. Tim's brother, Rick, is getting married in San Diego and we plan to take a family vacation there for a week. After our week in San Diego, I will be flying to San Antonio for a week to find a house.

I change command on May 7. This has been a good experience, though I am getting fairly tired and look forward to having just myself and my family to care for. It will be nice to take some time off in conjunction with the move and decompress a little bit before starting school at Baylor University. We have also planned to host an international au pair during the time that I am in San Antonio. She will help me out tremendously with taking care of Timmy. It will also be nice to have another adult around in the house, since Tim will not be able to join us in San Antonio. I am currently interviewing, and hope to select an au pair really soon!

Pictures and videos

2010-01-03T16:45:00.005-06:00

I have gotten a few minutes to work on pictures and videos. It has been absolutely FRIGID here for a while, so other than the quick photo ops, we have stayed inside as much as possible.

Here is our video for 2009:

Sledding!

2009-12-27T21:13:00.009-06:00

Sledding Fun with Grandpa

Not the most appealing subject matter...but I was learning my new camera attachments

Could this be any more fun?

Fun with Grandpa

Grandma, Grandpa and Timmy

Love my new circular polorizing lens filter....

Vivid color enhancement setting with snow? I don't like it.

I introduce the photo-centric blogs. I don't have much to say today other than we spent a good portion of the day sledding and having fun with my parents and Timmy. I got some cool gadgets to help with my attempt at learning to take good photographs. So far, my attempts have been pretty lame, but in the last few days I ha at least learned a few techniques and settings that I would rather NOT use again. Anyway, here are some pictures of today's sledding trip. Try to ignore the lack of color sense in these pictures. I guess great photographers aren't born they are created...through lots of trial and error. :) Today's lesson: pictures don't edit well as JPEGs. RAW formats are the way to go.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T22:32:00.007-06:00

We had a wonderful Christmas day!

Our Christmas adventures really started two days ago when we picked up my parents in Kansas City. For those of you who have even spent 30 seconds in front of the tube this week, you will know that a major blizzard has been heading through the Central US. We were incredibly lucky thta Mom and Dad's plane arrived early on Wednesday. We stayed overnight in Kansas City and then drove back the next morning. Our drive home was a bit of a white-knuckle affair, but we were fortunate to have made a safe trip.

is morning we woke up to a VERY white Christmas, complete with snowdifts and blowing winds over 30 mph. We turned on the weather channel and were thrilled to see that we can expect the temperatures to blast through the teens at least a few times this week. :)

This year was an especially bit treat for all of us, as Timmy was finally old enough to experience some of the "magic" of Christmas. He was thrilled that Santa came last night and brought a table and chairs and a mini trampoline. Christmas morning lasted the better part of three hours today due to requisite ten minutes of play begged by each newly opened toy. We all had a blast helping Timmy enjoy his new toys. Unfortunately, Timmy didn't last quite as long as his toy pile, so we had to interrupt the Christmas experience for a long nap this morning. Our sleepy head fell into bed still clutching his new toys.

After opening presents, we enjoyed a Christmas turkey dinner with some friends from work.

We hope that you are all enjoying your Christmas Day. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Ho, Ho Humble

2009-12-13T21:36:00.006-06:00

Ahhh....Pancake Zen

Tuckered out after Christmas shopping

God Bless Little Boys...

Timmy playing our fishing game

These past few weeks I have been forced to eat a big 'ole slice of humble pie. Luckily, these are all just occurrences of Life's little annoyances, but it does serve as a reminder that I am not as in charge as I'd like to think.

So, I'll start with the quote of the month:

"Geez, I've never seen anything like this before. But don't worry...if we can't fix it, we will send it out to our Geek network. They can fix 99% of all problems I have ever seen." ~Quote by the Best Buy Geek Squad expert attempting to retrieve my hard drive.

Only to be followed up by the second quote of the month....

"We sent this out to our (uber) Geek network, and we just can't figure this out. But, for $1500 you can send it to a professional file retrieval service who can dismantle your hard drive and sometimes retrieve files."~ Geek Squad associate defeated by Kim Decker's bad luck with computers

So, alas, I lost an entire hard drive's worth of files. Needless to say, this was not the memorable Thanksgiving Day experience I was looking for. I am not really sure how one can have a computer with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG....(except that it ate over 25 GB of files) and still manage to lose all data. But, it happened. I have lost everything that I have done since April, when I got my new computer. This includes the 150-page book that I wrote about my experiences with my pregnancy loss with Emma, and all pictures that I took since then. I was devastated.

So, Part II:
A good friend of mine warned me that the holidays might "creep up" on me with respect to grieving for Emma. I discounted this advice, until we started decorating the tree. It was really hard to bring out all of the Christmas decorations and remember the joy that we were experiencing at this time last Christmas. We were on top of the world: Tim and I were reuniting our family after a six month military separation, we were pregnant and we couldn't have been more happy. It is a little hard to revisit those memories in hindsight, and reflect on the intensity of the pain that was to come. There is something about the Christmas decorations that flood back those memories that I have revised in my mind.

So, Tim and I decided that a healthy way to deal with this residual grief would be to honor Emma with an ornament on the tree. I set aside a special time to shop for the perfect ornament. I finally found a white little ceramic angel holding a little puppy dog in her hands. I wasn't really fond of the puppy dog image, but I liked the sentiment that the ornament created. It made me think of angels holding little Emma in their arms in Heaven. I purchased the ornament and very carefully wrapped it up for transport home, thinking all the while that I would likely lose my mind if the ornament broke. It would just break my heart to lose the ornament after also losing the precious baby it represented.

So, I get home and put the ornament in a safe place. When I felt the time was right, I pulled out the ornament and showed it to Tim. As we were preparing to place it on the tree and honor Emma, I dropped the ornament. Needless to say, this story did not have a happy ending. the ornament shattered into a million pieces (not just a broken wing or a small nick...it was completely unsalvageable). I promised myself I wouldn't cry. I stiffened my lower lip, turned on my heels and went to bed (without a stiff drink).

Part III: Tim and I decided to shop for a more durable ornament to honor Emma (something made of titanic, perhaps). We went shopping and finally found a Hallmark ornament designed to honor the memory of a loved one. It was also nicely created from plastic and had no small part that I could break. I bought the ornament and cried in Hallmark at the register like a complete crazy person (so much for the stiff lower lip). We decided to go ahead and head home after this, as Tim and I were not much in the mood to continue Christmas shopping. On the way home, we needed to stop at Target to pick up some jeans for Timmy, who has managed to put holes in 8 pairs of jeans in the last 3 weeks. While at Target, Timmy managed to wiggle out of his seat, lean over the shopping cart and fall straight on his head. I felt so bad for him. He was ultimately okay, but he definitely screamed for a while and probably had a pretty significant headache the rest of the night.

So, I do all of the complaining to make this observation: I am not in control of my life, God is. We get handed circumstances, some frustrating, some heartbreaking, and some thought-provoking. Our res ponses to these life events define the lives that we lead and the capacity that we have to experience joy. This holiday season, it is important to remember those who have been loved and lost. But it is also important to focus on those people still left in our lives. While we have the opportunity, it is important to wrap our arms around the loved ones we have with us and never be to rushed or distracted to show them the love and kindness they deserve. After getting so lost in my memories and grief over Emma, I was definitely reminded this week of how important it is to focus attention on Tim and Timmy. Today, we cleared our schedule of everything that "had" to be done, and just spent the day together. Though I would certainly have preferred to skip the little frustrations I have experienced lately, I will have to admit these experiences have brought the important things back into focus.

Happy Fall!

2009-11-15T15:56:00.008-06:00

Having fun on my retro rocket!
My new set of wheels

Can't get enough of the flamingos at the zoo

Some Halloween fun with my friend Evie

What do you mean I can't grab ALL the ducks? Don't you know who I am?

Monkey business with Mom the Giant Banana

Fall festival at Daycare

Happy Birthday Timmy!

2009-11-08T15:12:00.003-06:00

I was told this week that I am getting behind the times with posting pictures on the blog. That's a true statement. Here are some pictures from Timmy's birthday back in October. We had a great time at a gym called Gymnastics Plus in Manhattan. I particularly liked the fact that the gym provided all of the entertainment we needed (adults included) so we didn't have to worry about anything with the birthday except going out and having fun (which we did). All the kids had a blast, plus the parents joined in with their youngsters, too. We all really had a great time. If we were sticking around in the area for next year, I would definitely do this again. It was well worth it!

On another note, Timmy has started taking classes at Gymnastics Plus once a week. The classes are part of a parent-child class, which gives us all something to look forward to each week. For the first week, Tim sent me "into the fire" with little Timmy at his first class. By the end of the class I was exhausted an frustrated. The whole point of the class is to do something fun with our child, but no one is having any fun if we are constantly griping at Timmy to sit down, stay with the class or give another child a turn on the equipment. Timmy is by far the youngest in the class, which makes things a lot more difficult. To be fair, I think any two year old would have difficulty with the amount of structure required from a gymnastics class. But, as Tim reminded an exasperated me after our first class, the whole reason we enrolled Timmy in classes in the first place is to learn and practice those skills. We have to build a foundation from something. As it turns out, Tim was the wise one because the next week went much smoother. Timmy did a much better job at listening to the instructor, watching other children and attempting the skills. He is still not very coordinated (an inheritance from both his parents) but we are thrilled that he is doing much better with participation, taking turns, etc. We are happy with how far he has come. Cheers, Timmy! :)

Timmy Turns 2!

2009-10-15T17:28:00.003-05:00

We have all had an exciting month. On October 10, Timmy turned 2 years old! It is hard to believe that it was two years ago that we finally got to meet our little angel after nine months of anticipation! He has been such a joy in our lives for the past two years. Tim and I are very grateful to have been blessed with such a fun, sweet, cute little boy to share our hearts with.

For Timmy's birthday, we plan to celebrate a little late with a party at the local gymnastics center. IN the meantime, Tim, Timmy and I celebrated on October 10^th by attending a playgroup. At the playgroup, the local firefighters came to display their truck, equipment and uniforms. Timmy enjoyed getting to honk the horn of the fire truck, play with the hose and see how the firefighters put on all of their equipment. After all of this excitement, we went home to open a few presents. He had a great time opening his farm set from his grandparents and playing on his new truck from Mom and Dad.

Tim has been busy with his command this month. He finally received all of the Soldiers that comprise a typical tank company. They also officially changed their mission and started rebuilding into a regular Armor company. This means that they have been busy rebuilding, training, receiving personnel and signing for equipment. Tim has done a great job with taking this in stride, and has found a way to balance family time and work.

My news this month is that I finally ran my big race, the Army Ten Miler. I ran as a part of the Fort Riley Women's Team, which I have been training with since July. I was thrilled to finally get the chance to run, and also take a break from training after the race. I didn't quite hit my target time, but I did finish well enough to be part of the scoring team. I was happy to be able to help out the team effort. I was thrilled to have my parents come out to Washington, DC to visit for the weekend and to watch the race. I was really appreciative of their support, especially when I saw them at the finish line, cheering me on when I literally had nothing left.

Aside from the thrill of finishing a race with over 30,000 runners, participating in the Army Ten Miler took on additional meaning for me. Since April, running has been an outlet for me to channel my grief into something that has been positive towards my physical and emotional healing. I started running about one week after Emma died and I have been running with a purpose ever since. My goal was to make the Fort Riley Team. Spending the weekend in Washington, DC to run with the team was a meaningful experience for me. To maintain my focus throughout the weekend, I wore the necklace that Sherry Franklin gave me to remember Emma. I wore the necklace when I ran the race to commemorate my reason for running. All in all, it was a powerful experience.

Returning from Vacation

2009-09-09T20:27:00.007-05:00

The Deckers are back! We all packed up in the car a few weeks ago and headed to Virginia for a two-week vacation. Yes, you heard that right...we travelled by car to Virginia. That includes Timmy and Chance the Dog. While on vacation we were thrilled to have the chance to visit family in West Virginia, friends Ryan and Nancy (and Jillian and newborn Liv) in Maryland and my parents (of course) in Virginia. While on vacation, we we scuba diving at a lake in Virginia. Timmy was thrilled to be able to see right to the bottom of the lake and interact with all of the fish. We did have a small incident with a fish, but with therapy, we think Timmy will be able to recover!

Things have been pretty busy here lately, as evidenced by our complete lack of blogging lately. Tim has been busy with work, as have I. On a good note, we have made some huge decisions lately. We took our family vacation to continue to talk out our career decisions. We have been struggling with what direction to take our careers lately, and how to balance our career goals with our family responsibilities. I was accepted to the Army Baylor Program for a Masters in Healthcare Administration. I was humbled and honored by the opportunity, but it would mean that our family would have greater than 18 months of separation. I will have to leave for San Antonio next spring and Tim will leave for deployment next fall. We will not be able to re-unite until we move to our next duty station and Tim returns from deployment in 2011. This is going to be rough, but we decided to bite the bullet and seize the opportunity. We have made some additional commitments to spending quality family time while we have it. So far, we have been able to stick to those commitments, but sometimes it means a little less blogging. :) At any rate, we are happy to finally have this decision behind us so we can look to the future and start making plans. We have a lot to figure out between now and next spring, but we are confident that we have made the right decision.

So, currently we are here in Kansas gearing up for another winter. We were sad to prepare our boat for the winter a few weekends back. We have been doing some fall planting, re-seeding and other necessary fall chores. I have also been fairly busy with training for the Army Ten Miler, which comes up on October 4th. The practices have really challenged me as a runner, but I have definitely welcomed the opportunity to train with others who love running as much as I do. Having them there to push me has really helped me train. Plus, the real advantage is that we have had a lot of FUN! How often in your adult life do you get to have the opportunity to get an all expenses paid trip to go do a sporting activity that you really enjoy? Gotta love being in the Army....

Day of Remembrance

2009-08-06T20:55:00.010-05:00

Today was supposed to be "the day." The day for holding a new baby in our arms and finally meeting the little one responsible for all of the late night kicks, the backaches, the tummy purges and exhaustion. All of this seems completely worth it to hold you baby in your arms for the first time and experience the miracle of God's blessing.

Instead, today we remembered. We decided to take a half day off from work and honor Emma's memory. I did not think that I could just pass this day that should have welcomed her arrival without taking some time to slow down and remember her. The pain of her loss is a little less raw, and I can honestly say that I have moved on. However, part of that "moving on" process involves being able to honor her memory in a healthy way.

Today Tim and I went to Emma's grave and planted some grass. The ground was still bare from her burial, but her headstone arrived and was set last week.

I think about Emma a lot, especially on the weekends when we "slow down" and relax. I have not blogged very much lately because Tim and I have been out on Lake Milford almost every weekend for the past month. We have enjoyed some great wakeboarding and some quiet time just sitting on the boat and watching the sun go down. We have always really loved living in Kansas, but there is no time when I appreciate it more than sitting on the boat, sipping on a glass of wine and watching a Kansas sunset. It is often in these moments when I really think about Emma. The reminder of Emma's absence is felt every time I look at a sunset and realize that she never even got to see a single sunset. It seems hardly fair after all that she went through and how hard she fought for her life. When I look out over the prairie as we take our boat back to storage after a great day at the lake, I cannot help but think about how Emma and Timmy might have played together on all of that land, or how they may have just tuckered out after a fun day in the sun. Our good friends Karen and Craig sent us a "grief packet" when Emma died that included a deck of cards with grief quotes on them. I keep the cards in the support group room and go through them from time to time. I think the best quote I have heard is "The presence of the absence is everywhere." This could not be more true.

Yet, even as I am reminded of all that has been lost this year, I am also reminded of how very sweet life is. I am so thrilled to be able to be out on the lake with Tim and Timmy and often times a group of our friends. I am grateful for our friend Rob's enthusiasm for boating that ignited our love for Lake Milford and wakeboarding. I will never pass down an opportunity to watch the sun set over Lake Milford. Regardless of how many sunsets I get to watch, I remain thankful for each and every one.

As mentioned before, I have neglected my blog for a while because we have been out enjoying the summer. One of my biggest summer projects has been my training for a 10-mile race that is held at Fort Riley each year. I was hoping to qualify for the 1st Infantry Division Ten Miler team. I found out this week that my time at the Prairie run two weeks ago indeed qualified me for the team. I was so thrilled! It was a personal commitment of mine to get back into shape after Emma's birth and make the team. I am really excited to be able to run in the Army Ten Miler in Washington DC in October. Our team is fully sponsored, so the kicker is that we get our expenses paid to go do a fun race. You can't beat that for "Army good deals."

Summer Fun

2009-07-09T20:24:00.003-05:00

Summer is upon us, and in the Decker household that means we have far less time on our hands for leisurely activities such as writing blogs. We love to spend time outdoors on the boat, running, hiking, swimming, biking or just about anything other than "just hanging out." So, my apologies for not updating the blog lately.

Thank you all for the prayers and support you have given Timmy during his healing time. I am happy to report that he got the cast off within two weeks and he has bounced back completely. He learned to get around quite well with the cast, and was even caught playing on playground equipment with it on. It never slowed him down. When it was time to take it off, he was a little unsure of his leg and will probably have nightmares for the rest of his life about the saw that cut off his "magic leg". However, we are happy to report that he is doing much better. Thanks for all of the prayers.

So, to catch up:

Tim chose to spend his Father's Day out on the lake on the boat. We went out in the early afternoon and enjoyed an absolutely wonderful day. It was really hot, but we anchored the boat and took a dip for a while to cool off. We spend pretty much all weekend out on the lake, which is just about perfect for us. The only thing that sort of got me down was looking at the beautiful, flawless Kansas sunset on Father's day. There was not a soul around except for us Deckers, and near our boat storage lot we could see miles and miles of rolling hills that were particularly gorgeous in the late evening sunset. It was so peaceful! It was such a beautiful way to end a happy, relaxed day for us, but it really made my heart ache for Emma. I could not help but think about how much fun she would have had with us that day and wonder if she would have enjoyed the day on the boat and the sunset as much as we did. She never even got to see a single sunset. It pains me to think that she had an existence here on Earth, but was somehow robbed of the opportunity to experience so many of the gifts we have here on Earth. I miss her dearly and hope she is experiencing something much better than a perfect Lake Milford sunset up in Heaven.

Anyway, to shift gears a little bit, we have done some summer travelling over the last few weeks as well. For the past two weekends we have gone to St. Louis. One weekend Tim played in a golf tournament with his Grandpa and the next weekend we celebrated Grandpa Dick's 80th birthday. What fun!

Back on My Knees Again

2009-06-13T09:37:00.001-05:00

Every now and then we have experiences that bring us to our knees. For us, that experience came about two months ago when Emma was born, with an encore this past week. Everything ultimately turned out (almost) fine, but we definitely had a reminder this week of Who is in charge.

Timmy received vaccinations a few weeks ago and had been limping off and on since then. He would limp when he woke up from naps and bedtime, and would then start walking normally later in the day. A little too young for arthritis, we were concerned. I took him to see his pediatrician, but of course the limping did not appear when we were actually sitting in his office. He said it was an odd presentation of symptoms, but he did not think that the symptoms were too concerning. He mentioned that there were some labs that he would run if the problem continued, but he didn’t think it was warranted yet. I was a little curious, but I dismissed it and didn’t ask about the labs. He sent us home with some instructions for a leg massage and told us to come back if the symptoms did not improve in a few weeks.

Last weekend Tim and I celebrated our six-year anniversary by traveling to Kansas City for a few days of eating, shopping and hanging out together as a family (with Timmy). All weekend I had a nagging sensation that something was wrong with Timmy. I wrote this off as being a little over-sensitized to problems with my child after having lost a child. I know that this is very common for bereaved parents, so I tried to ignore my “Mother’s Intuition.” The limping persisted through the weekend, but seemed to get better by Monday morning.
On Monday I started my day at work. After a few hours, I checked my cell phone and noticed that I had received several phone calls from Timmy’s daycare provider, Laurel. Laurel almost never calls unless there is a serious problem, and she certainly refrains from calling several times. Something was up and I immediately grew worried. I called Laurel and she told me that Timmy had taken a very light fall while trying to kick a ball. She said that he would not put any weight on one leg. Initially he appeared to be limping on his right leg, and then he would not walk on his left leg. This was fairly odd, so I called the pediatrician (always great to work in the hospital…you get great service). The pediatrician sounded a little concerned and told me to go immediately to the ER. He said he was booked up with patients for the morning, but he would call down to make sure that we got some labwork done and were not just sent home without “checking on some things.” I wanted to know what he was looking for…after all, why are we drawing blood to diagnose what appeared to be an orthopedic injury?? He told me he was concerned that Timmy’s symptoms fit the pattern of Leukemia and he wanted to “make sure.”

LEUKEMIA!!

I told myself to pull it together, take a deep breath and not get too ahead of myself. There was no diagnosis. Leukemia was just on the list of things that it could POSSIBLY be. Breath. Needless to say, there is no such thing as “relax” when a doc tells you that he is concerned that your child could potentially have cancer. I immediately called Tim and asked him to pick Timmy up from daycare and bring him in. I did not think I could drive. I also called my boss to let him know that I would be in the ER and not traveling to Topeka for another work-related issue like we had discussed earlier that day. Instead of getting a hold of my boss, I got the hospital commander’s secretary. She could sense that something was wrong and asked me about it. As much as I told myself I would not break down, as soon as the secretary asked, I started crying. She talked to me for a few minutes and I felt fairly embarrassed for “freaking out” on her.
So, I went down to the emergency room to wait for Tim and Timmy to arrive. One of the nurses told me that the pediatrician had already called and clued them in that we would be coming and discussed “the labs” he wanted to draw. They were all concerned and had already cleared a room for Timmy and checked him in to the ER before he even arrived. As soon as Timmy arrived, he was immediately seen and put into a room. We spoke to the doctor for a while and they drew some blood (a process that makes any parent’s heart bleed for their child).
About an hour later we finally got confirmation that Timmy did NOT have any of the markers for cancer. They got him in for some X-rays and some more exams. The ortho doc was not able to make it down to see him, so we ended up having to set up an appointment for the next day. They splinted his legs and released Timmy for the day. The pediatrician came down on his lunch and saw Timmy in the ER. He said he felt very comfortable with the fact that Timmy probably had an injury and not some sort of “sinister” disease. He definitely understood the stress we had been under that morning and probably knew that his prescription for extra TLC was probably more for us as his parents than for Timmy. At any rate, we were ecstatic that Timmy did not have any of the markers for cancer, though we were sorry to see that he had a leg injury. We were absolutely exhausted after only a few hours in the ER.

Ultimately everything worked out for Timmy this week. He saw the orthopedic surgeon the next morning and now sports a bright blue cast. It breaks my heart to see him struggle to walk with his cast, but at the same time, I am absolutely relieved that he has such a “minor” medical issue. I don’t mean to overdramatize our experience this week, but it really did make me stop to think about how very fragile life is. We have certainly learned this lesson in the past few weeks and months as we have grieved for Emma, but it definitely takes on a whole new meaning when you cope with the potential for a serious disease of the child who has already become a part of our lives.

We are lucky. We only had to deal with the potential for a childhood cancer for a few hours. Unfortunately, there are many parents who have to deal with the reality of childhood cancers every day. Those mothers, fathers and innocent babies have been on my mind this entire week. As I am counting our blessings, I have remembered to pray for those who count the days…number of days left of chemo, number of days until the next surgery, number of days left with a sick child. Remember these heroes in your prayers this week.

Fun with Friends and Back to Work

2009-05-31T23:01:00.006-05:00

I returned to work from an almost 7-week hiatus. My return was bittersweet, but for the most part, I would say I was glad to be back. During my last week of leave, I started to get a little bored. I finished all of my little "projects" and found myself with little to do. I guess it was time to get back.

I have not had much time to dwell on Emma's loss this week, as work has kept me incredibly busy. I guess this is good, as it is very nice and very necessary to shift my focus back to "normal." I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to take six weeks to slow down and grieve for Emma, but I am also grateful for the distraction that work provides. It is good to be back to my old routine again, even if I am coming back to it a very changed person.

The weekend prior to returning to work I got the chance to visit my friend Dena. We had a fun "girl's weekend" with several other girls, most of them good friends from Fort Riley. We rented a limo, went wine tasting, cooked, talked and jumped on Dena's trampoline. Most important, we took the opportunity to wrap our arms around our dear friend Dena and remind her that she is a part of our Army family.

Kelly and I take a break.A little afternoon exercise....

Just us girls....

We picked an appropriate weekend to get together, as Memorial Day offered us the opportunity to honor Rob and the sacrifice that he made for our freedom. On Memorial Day we drove to Osceola, Nebraska to visit Rob's grave and attend a Memorial Day ceremony. I could not go through that experience without thinking about the cost of freedom and the sacrifice that so many of our Soldiers have made. As I watched Dena lay a wreath on her husband's grave and Julia place a flower with a note to Daddy, I was profoundly touched by the sacrifice that Rob made for all of us. No longer is Memorial Day about honoring a mass of faceless Soldiers. From now on I will always be touched by memorializing someone who was dear to my heart. This Memorial Day reminded me that though our great wars through history have produced a painfully long list of Soldiers who have paid the ultimate price for freedom, each one of these Soldiers has a family, a personal history and a story of love and loss. I feel as if Rob's story was written on the faces of Dena, Julia and Eva as they visited his grave this Memorial Day. I will never forget.

At this time of year, please remember to pray for our Soldiers and their families.

Mother's Day

2009-05-12T14:18:00.008-05:00

We have had a very busy week! First, Tim took command on Wednesday, May 6. He is now "Easy 6" and enjoying his first few long days of command. He was pretty surprised by taking command so early, but he is excited about the mission that he will have and the opportunity to build up a company from scratch. Right now his company is very small and mostly does a training mission. In many ways, his command experience has been a lot like mine in the types of challenges he faces. This makes for good professional dinnertime discussion. It's great to be married to another commander sometimes!

This weekend we took it easy for a few days and recovered from the excitement of the week. Tim and I went shopping for some beads so I could make a bracelet in memory of Emma. I bought a set of bracelets before her funeral and sent one with her, and kept one for myself. Unfortunately, my bracelet is starting to get worn out, so I needed to make another one. This was sort of my Mother's Day gift to myself. It was therapeutic to make a piece of jewelry to help me remember the child we lost this year. I was grateful for Tim's help as well. He stayed up with me until 11:30 at night trying to get the latch on my bracelet attached properly. What a guy!

I also got a chance to get a nice, long run in on Saturday. I did a 10K trail run on my own. I enjoyed the workout and the time to myself to focus on nothing but running. It was a great way to prepare for Mother's Day.

On Sunday, we went to church and then did some shopping. There was some drama attached to my Mother's Day gift, which I will accept full responsibility for. While I was running on Saturday, Tim took Timmy and the two of them caught a Coach purse sale (yes, you read that right...not only did Tim buy me a Coach purse, he also managed a rare opportunity to get it ON SALE. This was a two-hour special, so it really took some planning on Tim's part). On Mother's Day, Tim presented me with a Coach purse. At first I wasn't really sure how I liked the purse he picked. So, we decided to go back to the store after church to look at the other purses (no longer on sale). We ended up returning the purse Tim picked, until I felt guilty about that as well. I decided I liked the purse and wanted to buy it back again. So, the next morning I went back to the store and created a little bit of drama about getting the purse back. Luckily, I prevailed over the sales associate with zero customer service ability, and I left the store happily clutching my new purse. I'm thrilled and have included a picture of my first "real" purse.

The other pictures are of Timmy. I have been blessed to have some extra time with him lately and I have really enjoyed it. He has such a cute little personality that he can always bring a smile to my face. The pictures taken in the bathroom were very typical of Timmy's antics. He has taken to wearing a pair of sunglasses that a little girl left at our house. He wears them everywhere...to include the bathroom. I bought Timmy a little stepstool on Saturday, which he immediately started pretending was his own "toilet." (It may be time to start thinking about potty training). He went through all of the motions, to include unrolling toilet paper. I was pretty impressed, but I couldn't do anything but laugh because he went through this whole routine with his "Hollywood" sunglasses on. Such a ham! I don't know where I'd be without Timmy to brighten my days. He's so much fun to be around!

Quilt Therapy

2009-04-30T22:46:00.004-05:00

Today was a pretty fun day. I have decided to make a quilt square to memorialize Emma on a Memorial Quilt at the hospital where she was born. Sherri (midwife) suggested that I meet someone she knew who quilts. So, today I had the chance to meet DJ, a retired Army nurse. DJ gave me my first quilting lesson, which was incredibly fun. I have to say, my quilt square is made with a lot more love than talent, but DJ did a great job at teaching me the basics. I was able to complete two full squares today. One square I will send to the Memorial Quilt. The other square I will keep for Emma's memory box. Next week I am scheduled to meet up with DJ so she can show me how to "finish" the square and make it into a small blanket or wall-hanging. I am really looking forward to another fun afternoon with my new friend. :)

While I was at DJ's house, we were visited by "Old Blue." I looked out the window and could not believe my eyes when I saw a beautiful peacock standing up on the porch...yes, in KANSAS. Old Blue stayed there all afternoon and made sounds. At most times it sounded like he was just laughing at me while I tried to figure out how to sew in a straight line (no drinking involved, I promise).

The big news on the homefront is that Tim will be taking command of a company next week! This was a little sooner than we had expected, but Tim is thrilled to have the opportunity. That being said, on short notice he has had a lot to do to prepare for command. This week has been fairly full for him each day, often requiring work to be done when he returns home from work. Tim takes command next Wednesday at 1300. I am so excited for him as he takes on this new responsibility. It is a rewarding experience that I look forward to getting back to in the upcoming weeks. By then we will DEFINITELY have a busy household of two commanders. I plan to enjoy the few moments of taking time to quilt, play with Timmy and work on my little "projects" while I have the chance.

Moving Forward

2009-04-28T22:06:00.008-05:00

My new "do"
Slightly frazzled hair after a 5-mile run

A
A morning at home. We really enjoyed some "downtime"

I am probably biased, but isn't he the cutest baby ever?

Timmy after the spaghetti-o slinging event

I am about 2.5 weeks into my convalescent leave (a very generous interpretation of maternity leave). I have really enjoyed and appreciated the opportunity to take a few weeks away from command and spend some time "slowing down." I think it is important in life to seize an opportunity every now and then to enjoy life as it is. We have definitely experienced some challenges lately, but they have resulted in this rare opportunity to cut my self some slack and slow down for a while. For that I am grateful. Just this afternoon I had the opportunity to rock Timmy to sleep for an afternoon nap. I consider this a privilege...I never get to do it! This evening, I sat in the rocking chair with Timmy and slowly read him a long book before tucking him in. Before we stopped to cuddle, I remember thinking "I am so lucky." Not lucky because of the unfortunate events that surrounded Emma's short life, but lucky to have the opportunity to be a Mom to a healthy baby boy. The blessings of my marriage and our love for our healthy son have been lost on me for the past few weeks as we have grieved for Emma. But today, I took a few minutes to sow down and reflect on the blessings in my life. It was an awesome experience that I may not have had if I had not avoided the temptation to jump right back into work and bury myself in something other than grieving.

I am slowly getting accustomed to the "new normal" that has overtaken my life. I feel like my life has fundamentally changed since my pregnancy with Emma. I am hoping that I can draw a positive change from my experience with her. That being said, I felt like I could not move forward without changing my exterior appearance. I felt like I had fundamentally changed on the inside and needed my exterior appearance to reflect that change. I decided to go to the salon and reinvent my look. I have included a few pictures of my new haircut. I am really happy with it and glad to have something with a little more body. The pictures were taken after I ran more than five miles. My hair survived...I was so excited.

I have been making steady progress on a number of projects. Each day, I have decided to devote a significant portion of the day to spending quality time with Timmy. However, I have also resolved to take a few hours each day to work on grieving projects. I have written a full proposal and charter for a pregnancy and infant loss support group at our hospital. I have gotten some buy-in and support from several people at our hospital, so I am hoping to have the support group running in a few weeks. I have taken pictures and learned more about editing. I have designed a quilt square for Emma on a memorial quilt. I am going to receive lessons on quilting from a retired Army nurse on Thursday. I have written about half a book that I intend to publish. I have also collected items for a scrapbook that I will make especially for Emma. I have participated in raising money for the March of Dimes through the March for Babies in Topeka. I have gained a great deal of peace from these projects and look forward to more "grieving with a purpose." When I have completed these projects, I will return to work and start the process of "moving on." In some ways I dread returning to work because I know that it will entail another step in letting Emma go. For the time being, I have my projects to help me hold on to her memory. Eventually, these projects will come to completion and I will step back into my normal life. But I have changed.

From a physical perspective, I am thrilled to be working out again. I have been running for almost two weeks now. I have started building my "5-mile base" for running, meaning that my baseline for running will be five miles. I have run easy 5-milers for the past several workouts, and today I moved on to 5 miles of interval training. I am a little smoked, but I am glad to feel good enough to enjoy a good hard run again. There are a lot of ways that my situation could have ended with respect to my health. I count my blessings every day that I ended up on this side of the pregnancy with a healthy future (particularly one that involves running again). I have a LONG way to go to reclaim my fitness, but I feel like I have returned with an emotional intensity towards training that will help me achieve new goals. Running has given me a great chance to rebalance my life and clear my head each day. I have another reason to be happy and celebrate.

The Five Tulips

2009-04-25T22:07:00.006-05:00

Yes...I wrote the poem and took the picture above. The tulips are actually growing in our front yard. :)

The Five Tulips

We love you, dear Emma
And wish there could be
A family of four
And not just of three

But sometimes His garden
Though lovingly sown
Makes buds that don’t grow
And blooms never shown

And I with my grief
And God with “His plan”
Struggle to grasp
What I can’t understand

A life that was wanted
But taken too soon
To grace Heaven’s garden
Shortly to bloom

This spring that you left
And never before
Five tulip flowers
Appeared at our door

Four blooms stand high
A bud underneath
A message from God?
A sign just for me?

Will this be our family,
And future to come?
With four open hearts
To love the bud of one

Thank you all who have donated money to the March for Babies. We earned over $500 total in about a week, and I have also received some additional donations since the March. We attended the March for Babies in Topeka yesterday. Tim, Corey and I participated in the march and had a great time. There were well over 1,000 people there and turned out to be a great family event. Tim and I thought we were clever in having T-shirts made to commemorate our cause. They said "Like a bridge over troubled water...I will lay me down. In loving memory of Emma Grace Decker, April 9, 2009." I was surprised to see just how many other people were there with their own T-shirts, their own lost babies and their own personal tragedies. It was sad but also touching to see how many families had been affected by the loss of an infant or pregnancy and how many of them took up the cause of raising money for the March of Dimes. Because I am a huge nerd, I read a book several months ago about the polio virus, development of the vaccine and the inception of the March of Dimes. When the original March of Dimes campaign began, they achieved overwhelming success in getting lots and lots of people to contribute small amounts of money. The organizers were wildly successful in achieving their goals, and ultimately saved countless generations of American children from the tragedy of polio. The current March of Dimes campaign is still very successful. The march that I participated in was inspiring and fun.

Smashing Melons

2009-04-22T23:36:00.013-05:00

Corey-"No one was harmed in this event"

"Great throw, Dad!"

Mom actually threw a tomato at Tim. Here is her reaction.

Maybe we should have done a risk assessment...

Wow, Tim!

Opening a cantelope with a hammer is actually harder than it looks.

Seriously, no one got hurt

Kim Decker, in the driveway, with the...screwdriver??

We're sane, completely sane...

Thanks to all who have contributed to the March of Dimes on behalf of our team. We are thrilled to announce that we have exceeded our goal!

Today was Tim's last day of "paternity leave" (loose definition, but we''l take it). We commemorated the occasion by taking Timmy to the zoo. We had an absolutely beautiful day and thoroughly enjoyed some family time.

In case you are wondering about the pictures, please read below. It is pretty long, but hopefully conveys our message. Our huge thanks to Corey, Kelly, Ryan and Nancy:

When Tim and I returned home from our deployment, we kissed the ground for two reasons. For one, we had just returned safely from a year in a combat zone. Some of our friends were not so lucky. The second reason we were excited to be home was that we thought we had completed the interminable series of lectures about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, rage and healthy readjustment. We were sick and tired of the endless litanies reminding us not to hit our spouse, not to spank the kids and not to kick the dog. Unbeknownst to us at the time, we underestimated the Army’s resolve to curb rage, PTSD and domestic abuse. We eventually became the lecturers who would discuss these issues with our Soldiers.

At the time, we just laughed off all of these lectures and went about the business of celebrating our return. It was not until a few years later when we have looked back on some of our experiences that we realize just how much rage has played a role in our lives. I will preface this entire discussion by noting that we have ALWAYS lived in a very peaceful house that is completely free of violence. We have a very strong marriage and have never felt any inclination to domestic violence. Perhaps we are a little arrogant, but we consider ourselves educated, creative, introspective and expressive enough to deal with anger without violence. However, we definitely have had to deal with anger after our experiences.

When we returned home from deployment, a very nice family had moved in across the street. The family was comprised of a very loving, religious and gentle couple with a little girl. The lady would eventually become our son’s first babysitter, whom I trusted deeply for her compassion, gentle nature and talent with children. About the time that we moved back into our house, a few events happened:

We bought a new weed whacker, and Tim had made it his business to rid our yard of a year’s worth of unsightly weeds. The trouble was, we had an “economy” weed whacker with an industrial strength weed problem. Tim only vaguely recalls the actual incident in question, but at some point the weed whacker got thrown across the yard, picked up, stomped on and thrown across the yard again. A few weeks later, we met our neighbors across the street. When Tim introduced himself to the lady, she said “oh, you’re the one…with the…weed whacker. I saw you from across the street. So nice to meet you…” A little later on, Tim met her husband, who INDEPENDENTLY also mentioned the weed whacker incident. Apparently the spectacle not only got the attention of the neighbors, but it probably generated some interesting dinnertime discussion. We were a little embarrassed.

Another incident occurred a little later in the summer after we returned. We had just purchased a brand-new boat (because there “was a sale”) and were extremely proud of our new toy. Before we had arranged for boat storage, we had to keep the boat beside our house, which required some maneuvering (of which Tim was an expert). One day, Tim decided to take the boat out for some reason that escapes me now. When I returned home from work, I noticed that the boat was gone…and so was the mailbox. I probably would not have noticed the missing mailbox, except for the splinters that lay strewn all over the yard. My mind could only conjure up what had probably taken place in order to have the boat missing and the mailbox in shards. I imagined the amount of force Tim must have hit the boat with in order to destroy a mailbox. I immediately called Tim up and braced myself for the worst. Tim was still “a little hot” at this point, but told me that the boat had only sustained a scratch, though it extended along the entire side of the boat and had shredded some of the graphics on the side. I did not ask any more about the mailbox.

Later on that night, Tim and I went shopping for a new mailbox and I gathered the courage to ask about what had happened to the old mailbox. Tim coolly explained that he had only slightly dented the mailbox while moving the boat, but when he had seen the damage to the side of his brand new boat, he went for the baseball bat. The mailbox was in shards after he had beaten the whole thing (to include the post) with a baseball bat. Imagine what the neighbors thought about that one.

Tim is not the only one that had to deal with a little anger. Fast forward a few years when I was pregnant with Emma. A few weeks before she was born, we knew that she was not going to make it and I was filled with anger. One day, when I returned home from ten hours on the job, I found the house smelled horrible. I went upstairs to find that our dog, Chance, had experienced a full day of being sick in every way imaginable. The evidence of the illness was in every square inch of my kitchen, but the dog was thankfully clean. In the course of figuring out how to keep Timmy out of the mess and how to move the dog out of the kitchen without furthering the disaster, Chance excitedly took a huge slip ‘n slide ride through the kitchen. Everything was a mess, to include our 130-lb sick dog. I was pregnant (probably about 20 weeks) and had difficulty moving the dog, and Timmy was curious. I managed to get Chance outside and somewhat clean. Tim was not home from work yet, and I did not have anyone to watch Timmy while I rushed the dog to the vet. I was tired, irritated at the mess, and very frustrated by the events at the end of a long day. To make matters worse, as I was loading Chance into the back of the Volvo, he jumped up and put a huge set of scratches all over the back tailgate. I lost my mind. I think I taught Timmy an entirely new vocabulary of inappropriate words. When my tantrum was finished, I sheepishly looked around the neighborhood to make sure no one saw me. Thankfully, everyone was gone and I was “off the hook” for another embarrassing conversation with the neighbors about anger. I quietly packed up the rest of my things, breathed a deep breath and calmly (seriously, I had calmed down) drove to the vet. (Several hundred dollars and a million tests later, Chance recovered).

I say all of this to make the point that even though we have experiences to laugh at, anger has definitely been a part of our lives. Throwing weed whackers, batting mailboxes and throwing tantrums in the driveway are not the most constructive methods of communicating anger, but we have always avoided violence to each other (and our dog). This has definitely come into play lately as we have navigated the enraging waters of our grief and sense of being out of control with our pregnancy with Emma. Not only were we sad, angry, frustrated, confused and scared, but I also had a major surge of hormones that was significantly higher than the levels experienced in any healthy pregnancy (about eight times as much). I needed a channel for my anger and I knew it.

The hardest part of our ordeal was coping with the fact that the best and brightest doctors that Kansas and the Army had to offer were still not completely sure of a definitive diagnosis of what was causing my ailing health. Everyone agreed and confirmed that our baby Emma was sick and would not survive through the pregnancy. In the last week of my pregnancy, my hormones were completely off kilter and I was feeling absolutely terrible. We consulted with a number of specialists and doctors, and there was little agreement among them on what health risks existed for me. We all knew that a number of things were going wrong, but could not quite predict the future and offer a prognosis for my health that was as definitive as the prognosis for Emma. The answers we got ranged from “you’ll be fine” to “you have an immediate threat to your life.” We were scared.

At one point, we made a trip to a specialist that was two hours away. To ease the boredom and anxiety, I called a good friend of mine, Nancy, to chat. I trusted Nancy’s logical judgment and knew she would know what to do and say to make me feel better. She had experienced a lot of the same uncertainty and difficulty when her husband, Ryan, was recovering from a serious injury at Walter Reed a few years ago. I explained the latest circumstances to Nancy and told her how angry I had become. I wasn’t angry at any particular person. I recognized that all of the doctors involved were offering their best medical opinions based on their individual medical training and unique experience. I fully recognized and verbalized the fact that the doctors were probably the recipients of a LOT of displaced anger from a LOT of patients who were hearing unhappy news on a daily basis. On many levels, I really pitied the doctors, who were committed to patient care and compassion at an enormous personal emotional expense. I imagined theirs as a very thankless job that required very uniquely patient individuals.

Regardless, I was still angry. I told Nancy that I was full of rage and joked that I really just wanted to break someone’s kneecaps with a crowbar. I didn’t have anyone in mind, and I have never, ever felt a genuine desire to hurt another human being (no matter what). My wise friend told me that she had experienced the same anger at Walter Reed. She was always so poised and appreciative of the care that Ryan received, but she admitted that sometimes she “just wanted to break something.” I could not have agreed more. We agreed that it would be therapeutic to just see something smash into bits. She said that she truly felt what Walter Reed was missing was a “break stuff room.” I could not have agreed more. Nancy suggested that I go to the grocery store and buy a watermelon to smash. I joked that I didn’t think it would be a good idea…I wasn’t completely sure that I could make it out of the parking lot of the grocery store without breaking the watermelon. After all, what could possibly be more sane than smashing a watermelon with a crowbar in the parking lot of the local supermarket? “Nothing to see here…move along.” “SECURITY!!!”

I really appreciated my conversation with Nancy. I was calmer after talking to her, and if nothing else, she made me laugh with our big plans for “smashing melons.” I could always count on her for good advice and a few laughs.

Fast forward several days after the conversation with Nancy. It was the night before I entered the hospital. I was feeling tired from the emotional energy I had expended on grieving for Emma and preparing for her birth, not to mention the physical toll that the pregnancy was taking on my body. My parents flew in from Virginia to help care for Timmy and to take care of the house. We were also supplying a guest bedroom for our two friends Corey and Kelly, who recently came back from Korea and were in search of a new home in the area. Corey and Kelly came home at about 10pm that night. We were all still up, avoiding the sleep we all knew we needed. Corey came in and said “I need about ten minutes, but we have a gift for you…” Knowing Corey and Kelly, I knew I could really be in store for just about anything. They are really fun people, but I just wasn’t in the mood for fun.

True to his promise, Corey came in a few minutes later and announced that they were “ready,” but I needed to change into old clothes. I asked if I had consumed enough alcohol for whatever lay in store and also wanted to know if anyone was going to throw tomatoes at me. He replied “no, you’re fine. Just trust me on this one…”

So, I walked outside and immediately started laughing. There, on the ground, lay every implement of destruction known to man. There was a giant tarp with a hatchet, a hammer, a giant mallet, a lighter, a screwdriver, a chainsaw and even a shotgun. And carefully laid out beside them were a half a dozen melons and tomatoes. They had put up a ladder and placed on sign on it that read “mean doctors” (Seriously, I harbored no resentment for my providers at all, but the sign seemed fitting anyway). The tarp contained a sign that read “The Great International Stress Relief Smash-Off…Love, Ryan, Nancy, Corey and Kelly.” I immediately started laughing and prepared to politely decline this exercise in the absurd. After all, it was 10pm at night and I was sure that this would just add another layer of lunacy that our neighbors had probably come to expect from us by now. But, there stood everyone, camera poised, cheering and waiting on me to take my first whack. I was little apprehensive because actually smashing a melon seemed so…violent. But, I was deeply touched by this fun little project of absurdity from a great group of friends, so I decided to take a whack. And another…and another. (As a safety note, I will point out that we removed the shotgun and the chainsaw from the equation. They were more for the initial “effect” and did not actually get used.) When I had thoroughly smashed the first melons, I hungrily moved on to another one. When that one was completed, I began throwing tomatoes. Unfortunately, I have zero aim, so I missed the target completely and lobbed the veggie into the neighbor’s yard (oops!) Tim took over and joined the fun. He was able to smash a melon with a rubber mallet, which I will admit takes a lot more strength than you would think. It took a lot of effort for me to get a melon smashed with a hammer, much less a rubber mallet.

We spent a long time out there that night “relieving stress.” It seemed like something that was straight out of the Patch Adams movie...except it was real. This act of kindness that our friends gave to us was a great opportunity to have a lot of fun and to share some serious laughs together (at 10pm at night…in plain view of the neighbors, who happened to drive by). We have always had a deep respect for our friends, but never have we felt quite as much love and appreciation for their friendship as we felt that night. Their gift was “just right, just in time.” We could not have been more grateful. I do not know just how many nurses and doctors I graced with the story of Corey, Kelly, Ryan and Nancy and smashing melons over my days in the hospital. I will say that the number was high…I was touched by their kindness and creativity and loved to tell the story. I am also sure that when I said “I need a melon…NOW” during my labor, my nurse probably did not find this to be an odd request. She probably knew exactly what I meant from my recounts of the night with the melons.

I have since moved on from the anger and rage that spurred the melon smashing event. I got over the anger that night by smashing melons and using Nancy’s creative outlet for my pent up anger. I also got over the anger by feeling an overwhelming sense of love and friendship from the organizers of the melon-smashing, all of whom we love dearly. Since Emma’s death, the anger that I felt has been replaced by the overwhelming emotion of profound sadness and the business of grief. As part of that “business of grief” I have resolved to begin several projects. I have started working on creating an informal support group at our local hospital. I have started writing a book. I have designed a patch for Emma on a memory quilt that honors infants who have died. I have started fundraising to participate in the March of Dimes. I have also resolved to run my first (and probably only) marathon in Emma’s honor, possibly with a fundraising component for an appropriate non-profit agency. (This will be in the distant future, when I am in shape enough to safely begin a marathon training regimen). I have planned a funeral and created a memory table in Emma’s honor. I have completed the memory boxes and started a scrapbook. I have six weeks of convalescent leave that I have completely devoted to the business of “constructive grieving.” I have to adjust to a schedule that is more relaxed than anything I have ever experienced, so I am grateful for so many tasks that will help me grieve but also grieve with a purpose. At the end of my six weeks, I must prepare to resume my normal life and “move on.” There was a time for annihilatory melon destruction, but that time has passed. Now is the time for healing and positive action. A few weeks from now will be the time for returning to work and resumption of my “new normal.” But I will never forget the purpose in healing that the melon smashing served and I will never, ever forget the kindness of my friends.

A Sense of Purpose- March for Babies

2009-04-17T11:54:00.003-05:00

I have been struggling deeply to figure out a constructive way to grieve for Emma Grace. I have been absolutely consumed by the grief of her loss, and truly wish to spend all day every day actively grieving for her. I have created memory boxes, made plans for a scrapbook and have started working on a quilt piece in her honor (the quilt piece will have to be made "with lots of love" because I do not really have any talent in that department). However, I feel that each of these activities, while creatively constructive towards my personal healing, are more "guilty pleasures" than anything else. There are only so many times you can open a memory box, re-arrange the contents and put it back on the shelf. There is only so long that I can spend large parts of my time writing short pieces that will stay on my computer and not be read. All of these activities are inwardly driven towards my own personal healing, and serve no real greater purpose than to apply an imaginary salve to my very open wound.

I have decided to begin fundraising for the March of Dimes. Tim and I will walk our first event on April 24, 2009 in Topeka, Kansas in honor of Emma Grace. We will likely do several more walks in the future. I have not given myself very much time to prepare and raise funds, and I am not very comfortable in asking for donations. However, if you are so inclined, please consider donating to this charity by clicking on the link below or clicking on the link to the right side of this blog under "favorite links."

I am very excited about the opportunity to participate in this March for Babies, and possibly others in the future. I have gained more inner peace in deciding to undertake this cause than I have gained from any other futile attempts to hold on to a memory of Emma that I never had the opportunity to make. I feel that contributing to fundraising in any way and participating in these walks offers a constructive outlet for my pain and grief. My chain of command has given me the generous opportunity to take extended leave for the purpose of healing-more emotional than physical. As such, I view this unique opportunity as a gift that requires effort on my part. I feel obligated to make healing my full-time job. I also feel compelled to use this time that I have been given for a greater purpose. I feel that I have found that purpose in deciding to walk for the March for Babies (March of Dimes). Emma's situation was not really related to prematurity, but the pain of a miscarriage, premature birth, stillbirth or birth defect is REAL, no matter what the circumstances. If I can contribute in any way to supporting doctors and families in eliminating this tragedy as much as possible, I will have served my purpose...and Emma's life and memory will be honored.

My second goal is to organize and facilitate a support group for women who have experienced pregnancy loss or the loss of any infant at any stage. The local area does not have the resources for this type of support. I travelled over an hour to participate in a meeting of this nature last night. Almost every woman I know that has become a mother has also become a bereaved soul from the loss of a pregnancy at some point. I have heard a lot of talk about the need to begin a support group, but it does not seem that much has been done to take positive action toward this goal. I was apprehensive about my first meeting last night (I had envisioned something on the lines of having to recite "Hi. My name is Kim and I am an alcoholic because my baby died last week." "Hi, Kim" "My life sucks because...") The group was not like this at all. It was sadly comforting to know that other women had experienced this type of loss and could snap their fingers and say "I KNOW how you feel!!!!" My wound is fresh, but if I can offer even one bereaved mother the support of an understanding ear, I will have achieved my purpose. I look forward to the opportunity to contribute to bereavement education, advocacy and support. After making the decision to fully devote myself to this task, I have achieved more peace than I have experienced since the day we learned of Emma's illness. The healing starts now.

Emma's Beautiful Day and Funeral

2009-04-14T21:12:00.010-05:00

Main Post Chapel

Emma's Memorial Table

When she was with us...

(Photo by Ali Mocabee)

To all,

Today was an absolutely beautiful day, despite our grief. We have about 2-3 days per year (it seems) in Kansas where the sun shines and the wind subsides. This NEVER happens in spring, but it happened today. The funeral went on without a hitch and was very meaningful for us. We begin our journey to healing today.

Enclosed are the remarks, prayer and songs that were played at the funeral today (in order as they were presented). This will be a bit long, but the words express our love for Emma and our gratitude for everone's support people who read this blog were unable to make the funeral, so we feel that it is important to put this on the blog.

Remarks by Kim at funeral:

For the past few months, we have travelled a very deep and sorrowful road with our daughter, Emma. I have found it very difficult to put the words together to pray or even have the wisdom and understanding to know exactly what to pray for. However, that all changed on Friday when I knew that I could not put one foot in front of the other and walk out of the hospital without the strength and grace of the Lord. Despite my inability to pray over the last few months, God helped put words into my heart so that I could pray for our daughter, Emma. In the back of the chapel at our memory table, there sits a little cross that reads “For this child I prayed.” I would add the word “FINALLY.” I am glad that God has given me the strength to grieve instead of being angry for what I cannot understand.

I am about to read a prayer that I have attempted to reconstruct from my memory. This is the same prayer that I prayed silently for our Emma as Tim and I said our final “good-bye” to her as we were leaving the hospital.

The song you are about to hear is the same song that I sang to myself when Emma was taken from this Earth and I saw her for the first time on April 9th. For the record, I don’t particularly care for this song, but for some reason I have attached some personal meaning to this song. The words brought me comfort when I needed it the most. I believe that this is a small miracle that God performed for me that day, at a time when I had stopped looking for miracles in my life.
As the song plays after my prayer, please take a few moments to pray for Emma as you feel comfortable.

Prayer (written and said by Kim):

Dear Lord,

We commit to You our dear baby Emma and pray for Your guidance. Please take her by her tiny hand, Lord, and lead her to paradise in Your presence. Though we love her dearly, we are now letting her go and entrusting her to Your loving arms.

We grieve for our tiny angel, the one whose first hello also meant her last good-bye. We mourn as parents for the loss of our chance to cheer at Emma’s first step, to attend her kindergarten graduation, to send her off to college, or celebrate her wedding day. We weep for the special place in our hearts that we reserved just for Emma. We grieve for the special finger paintings that will be missing from our refrigerator and the sunsets that Emma will never experience. Despite this, Lord, please help us in our sorrow to understand that her life in Your presence in Heaven is far more loving, more peaceful, and more content than her life in this world could have ever been.

Lord, we have prayed to You for a different course for Emma; one that would have led us to hold a healthy baby in our arms. We struggle deeply to understand Your grand design for our lives and why You have placed this chapter in it. However, we know that You are a loving God, capable of answering this prayer: Please lead Emma to Heaven with You. She is little, Lord, and still needs a parent to show her the way. We know that You will love her and guide her, the same way that You love us and will guide us through our pain. Please take the tears of grief that we shed for her down here and multiply them into tears of happiness for Emma in Your kingdom.

Lord, we do not understand the tragedy of this experience. We seek Your wisdom, strength and guidance as we face the difficult deed of giving our dear Emma back to You after You shared her with us for but a few brief moments. Please be with us as we grieve, Lord, but most importantly, please be with our precious Emma.

Amen.

Song Played:

When I Get Where I’m Going by Brad Paisley

(Feat. Dolly Parton)

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.
I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain
(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.
I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.
(Chorus)
So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.
But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.

Remarks From Kim:

Thank you all for being here to support us as we honor the short life of Emma and recognize the place she has held in our hearts. Emma left an indelible footprint on our lives because she was our child, even if it was only for a short period of time. She was real to me because I carried her next to me for twenty three weeks, felt her movements, and knew that her heart was beating next to mine. It is not really appropriate in this situation to offer a eulogy for a person who, sadly, did not get to experience life. So, for now, I would like to shift focus a little bit and talk about love.
It is my sincere hope that Emma could feel the love that surrounded her. I am not just talking about the love she received from Tim and me, but the love that we all received from our friends and family that have lifted us up in this time of trial. We have felt love in gestures great and small offered by complete strangers and dear friends and family alike. The love and support that we received edified our resolve and allowed us to love Emma even more. We have been the recipients of loving gestures that have ranged from a prayer offered by a complete stranger to ongoing daily support offered by a very special nurse midwife. We cannot really enumerate and list all of the acts of kindness we have received, so we will not even attempt it. However, from the bottom of our hearts, we thank God for the blessings we have received in the friendship and kindness of our loved ones.

On that note, I wanted to share with you a small lesson that I have learned about love and perspective. About a week and a half ago, Tim and I were driving to Kansas City for yet another medical evaluation from a specialist. I was talking to a dear friend of ours who is no stranger to tragedy and sorrow. I complained to her that I felt like we were surrounded by the overwhelming tragedies of many of our friends lately and implied that we were somehow targeted by ill fate. My friend stopped me, paused a minute, and gave me a new perspective that has changed the way that I view friendship and sadness. You see, I was focusing on how many sad things have happened to us and our close friends lately. It is not that the volume of tragedy is any higher for us or for our friends than it is for the average person. The events that happen in our lives only appear to happen more frequently when our lives are intricately woven into the lives of others and we are deeply involved in providing support and love to one another during hard times. The real truth is that we have been overwhelmingly blessed with the capacity to hold close and intimate relationships with so many people who are dear to us. I have learned through this experience that in our capacity to grieve, we must first have the capacity to love. It is that capacity to love that I would like to focus on as we say good-bye to Emma. She is surrounded in love by not only her parents, but everyone in this room who has supported us in our sorrow.

We thought for several days about the song that we wanted to have performed at Emma’s funeral. Stacey Shepherd, who will perform the song, encouraged us to choose a song that speaks to our heart. We listened to track after track and never could quite decide on a song that contained just the right words to express our grief but also recognize the love and support we have received from our loved ones. When we had finally decided on this song, we felt comforted by our decision, but we were unable to find the performance music anywhere. We doubted our choice because it was not really religious, until we found it in the Christian Book Store—the last place we looked. The song remained a big topic of discussion in our household and will remain a topic for years to come. This morning, my mother-in-law, Jan Decker, came into the house holding the devotion for today, April 14. The devotion discusses how God serves like a bridge over troubled water to help us get through difficult times. We chose this song before reading the devotional today, the day we bury our dear Emma. We can not ignore the fact that this is an obvious sign to us that God is with us during our troubled times. This song is for Emma, but it also expresses our feelings about the friendships and love we have experienced. By the grace of God we have changed our perspective on life and have been touched by not only Emma, but the greater love that surrounds her. The healing starts now.

Remarks by Tim:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends, and Family,

I would like to thank you all for coming here today to support our family. Kim captured much of the sentiment I would like to convey, but I have been so touched by everyone’s kindness that I would like to express my gratitude personally.

When Kim and I first decided to hold a funeral for little Emma, we expected to be the only audience, as a funeral for someone who never had a chance to live could seem odd and uncomfortable. Your presence here today speaks volumes about your compassion and care for us. And most importantly, we would like you to know we’ve felt your compassion and care, not just today, but throughout our ordeal. Without exception, every person in this room has asked us what we need and what they could do to help. In a strange sense, I’m sorry that we couldn’t lean on each of you a little more, just to let you know how much we appreciate your support. Words could never convey how grateful we are, but please know your caring hasn’t been taken for granted, and we are truly thankful for all of your generosity.

Thank you and may God bless each of you.

Song:
(Performed at funeral by Stacey Shepherd)

Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel

When you’re weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes,
I will dry them all;I’m on your side.
When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you’re down and out,
When you’re on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I’ll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.

A day of Support

2009-04-12T02:13:00.004-05:00

We have been blessed with a large influx of family members over the lasy few days who have come to Kansas to support us in saying good-bye to baby Emma. Being surrounded by family has helped us feel the support we need. Preparing for the details of the funeral has helped ground us and provide positive progress and emotional healing.

We do not want anyone to feel under any obligation to send flowers. However, a number of people have asked where flowers should be sent. Flowers can be sent to Penwell Gable Herington Chapel or to our home address in Manhattan. Please e-mail me for the adress if you do not have it.

The funeral announcement: http://www.newcomernet.com/obituaries/obitsearch.asp?selected=4&ObitID=32680&EMSessionID=-1&Source=choice

Long Day "After"

2009-04-10T22:20:00.005-05:00

I think that we did everything conceivable to prepare ourselves for the difficult and painful experience of Emma's death. All of this preparation did not truly prepare us for the grief we actually experienced, but it probably helped. However, no one prepared us for the "day after," particularly the first morning of waking up to such an overwhelming sense of loss. It is enough to want to make one never want to go to sleep again.

I have lived 27 years of very rich experiences, but I feel like my entire life has been defined by only two phases: life before Emma's death and life after Emma's death. I hope that time will help heal the acuity of this feeling.

We have moved forward today with one tiny step. We have set a date and time for Emma's funeral. We will honor Emma's very short life on Tuesday at 1400 (2pm) at Fort Riley's Main Post Chapel. Funeral arrangements will be provided by Penwell Gable in Herington, KS.

On a number of occasions, we have been sheepishly asked if we are comfortable with receiving phone calls and other communications. The short answer is "yes, absolutely." We always appreciate support from friends and loved ones, even if it is a couple of words posted on a blog guestbook. However, because we have been blessed with so many dear friends and family members who are providing us with much-needed support, we may not have the oportunity to immediately answer the phone or resond to e-mails. Believe me, we check our voice mails, e-mail accounts, blog site and mailbox on a daily basis. A message of love and support is always welcomed, though we may not b able to immediately respond to let you personally know how much we appreciate your thought. Please temporarily accept our blanket "thank-you" and know that we truly mean it.

Safely Delivered

2009-04-09T18:04:00.003-05:00

We are still here at the hospital. Unfortunately, our sweet baby Emma passed away some time last night. I delivered her this afternoon without any significant problems. It has been a very, very sad day for us as we said goodbye to our precious daughter.

I was cut short from myblog yesterday and was unable to write that the pictures were done by Ali Mocabee this week. Ali was so supportive and generous in giving of her time (with zero notice) to take the last pictures of this pregnancy that we will have. Thanks Ali!

As always, we appreciate your support and continued thoughts and prayers.

2009-04-08T22:10:00.002-05:00

We do not have many updates to offer at this time. The medication has taken a very long time to begin to work and the process appears to be a very long one.

Waiting comfortably

2009-04-08T14:24:00.002-05:00

I am blessed to have some internet access in my hospital room. I am currently in Stormont Vail Hospital in Topeka, KS. Everything seems to be going well so far in terms of my comfort and support. Unfortunately, Emma's heart rate declined significantly overnight and we have identified some more edema that has spread to me. We will likely be here for a few more days.

I am in Stormont Vail, Room 461.

Entering Hospital (again)

2009-04-06T22:09:00.002-05:00

The doctors have all conferred and now recommended that I enter the hospital. PLease pray for safety and wisdom as we deal with the road ahead. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, as always.

The Darkest Hour

2009-04-05T15:32:00.002-05:00

I hate to be melodramatic, but it really does feel like we have reached our darkest hour. The sad part is, I know that here is worse to come.

To put the last few days in a nutshell, I went in to see a specialist on Thursday, who diagnosed a molar pregnancy, which can metastasize to other parts of my body. It is pretty much cancer, though not necessarily malignant. He felt that this was an immediate threat to my health and wanted me to be put in the hospital. Some other doctors looked at the evidence and thought that it was such a long shot that they searched through medical journals all through the night to find an alternate explanation. They then sent me to another specialist in Kansas City for a complete second opinion. That doctor diagnosed a completely different disorder, one that suggests that Emma's condition is spreading to the placenta and therefor affecting my health. We are already seeing the effects of this. The risk with this condition is that it can then spread to me, and basically give me the same symptoms as Emma...pulmonary edema, heart failure, etc.

The bottom line is that the doctors really can't agree on a course of action or treatment. Situations like this are very rare and difficult to predict, even with doctors who specialize. Right now the docs at Fort Riley are collecting all of the medical opinions from several doctors, to include the specialists that I have already seen and other doctors spread all over the country who will be reviewing my charts. Meanwhile, we sit and wait. I think it goes without saying that it is very scary to be in a situation where we rely on the doctors with the medical training to help, but they can't really agree. I can only liken it to drowning in a lake while a huge crowd of people watch, each holding a life jacket, but no one taking action because they can't agree on what to do.

Thanks for all of the words of encouragement and prayers. We are very well supported. My parents jumped on a plane immediately after hearing about the complications and are here to help. I cannot be grateful enough for their generosity. Along with our friends Corey and Kelly, they have cleaned the house, taken care of Timmy and provided some distraction and listening ears for us. They have made it possible for us to maintain the household while we go to appointments, cry, take walks or just stare at the wall in disbelief. We try to look for silver linings each day. For the past few days our stated silver lining has been that we haven't broken anyone's kneecaps. I think today I have come to the more obvious realization that we have the best support network or friends and family that anyone could ever ask for.

Frustration

2009-04-03T22:10:00.002-05:00

It's been another very long day. We have had about 8-9 doctors consult on my case and there is a difference in diagnosis/ opinion among them. The bottom line is that I will enter the hsopital when we can figure out a little more about the diagnosis, understand the risks, and find the appropriate hospital with the appropriate doctors with the approrpiate experience to manage the risk. The diagnosis for Turner's Syndrome for Emma is certain among all doctors, but the uncertainty surrounds the additonal diagnosis of the condition that is causing my illness and symptoms.

Very tired....very frustrated...

Entering the Hospital

2009-04-02T22:23:00.002-05:00

I will make this brief: I am going to be entering the hospital.

There have been some concerns with some lab results over the last week. Today I went to the maternal fetal medicine specialist and found out that there is another problem with the pregnancy, this time impacting my health, not just Emma's. This condition is another one of those rare disorders that "just happens" sometimes and is completely unrelated to Emma's genetic problem. The doctor described it to us today as having "been struck by lightning...twice." We did a little bit of research and determined that the odds of having these two unrelated rare conditions at the same time is one in six million. I couldn't believe it...My world doesn't make any sense anymore.

Over the next week we will be consumed with the stay at the hospital, my recovery and making funeral arrangments for Emma. We continue to be very appreciative of thoughts and prayers but may not be able to immediately return phone calls or update the blog. We want to thank you all, our friends and loved ones, for all of the support you have provided to us.

Sincerely,
Tim and Kim

A Long Week in March

2009-03-22T18:18:00.004-05:00

This has proven to be a very long week. On Wednesday we had another visit to the specialist in Topeka. I knew this visit was not going to turn out well when I fertilized the front courtyard of the hospital with my tummy contents before we even got in the door. I really wasn't feeling well, but we made the trip anyway. We were a little early, as usual, but I begged the nursing staff to see if the doc would give me something to settle my tummy. The doctor took me in right away and planned to send m up to their Labor and Delivery section immediately. He told me that he suspected the baby was gone. When we looked at the ultrasound she had a normal, strong heartbeat. The effects of the Turner's Syndrome were devastating. She is definitely struggling. The ultrasound tech made the comment that "she is certainly one resilient little baby." The doctor commented that he was really surprised that the baby's heart is still beating. All of this would be encouraging, but the prognosis is the same. We're tired....so tired.

I went back to work and continued to feel bad, so the docs at my hospital put me on "The Monitor" fora while. I took and IV, some additional drugs and was passed out in no time. There were no contractions, but small "irritations" that showed up from being sick. They sent me home for rest and then I went back in on Friday as well. They did another heartbeat check and another session of monitoring and there has still been no change. I haven't felt well lately, but Emma seems to be doing okay given her challenges.

This week I have also had to resort to pulling out the maternity clothes. I had hoped to avoid this, but t over 20 weeks, the pregnancy is becoming obvious.

On a good note, we were able to visit some friends this weekend. They were just a short drive away. We really enjoyed ourselves and appreciated some time away from this area. We have sort of been glued to our neighborhood for the past few months because we are concerned about travelling too far away from the hospital. This was a perfect trip because we were able to get away without being too far to drive home. Such a nice break!

Warming up in March

2009-03-15T19:32:00.005-05:00

I really don't have much news to report on Emma Grace at this point. I went in for an ultrasound this week and everything is exactly the same. She is growing much larger and still has a very large hygroma. Her heartbeat, surprisingly, is still very strong and completely normal. Despite looking at a grainy ultrasound, we could still see the separate valves in the heart. It was beating very, very strongly, despite the obvious problem created by all of her swelling and edema. Almost four weeks ago the doctor scheduled an appointment for March 18th, making the comment that "I doubt you will still be pregnant then." Despite all of this, we are almost at March 18 and I am very much still pregnant. I am bulging gout of my larger clothes and am almost in need of maternity clothes. I requested the ultrasound this week because I was starting to experience a small glimmer of hope that perhaps the hygroma was resolving, but the ultrasound confirmed our expectations: the problem is not resolving and the poor prognosis is the same. Emma just seems to be more resilient than the docs expected, I suppose.

Someone who is familiar with Emma's condition asked me this week for specific prayer requests. I was a little caught off guard, but I told him that we basically have two prayer requests. The first one is the obvious choice for us, a prayer that Emma's condition will resolve and we will have a fairly healthy little girl to hold in our arms in just a few months. This is not very realistic given what we know. The second request is that if this is all going to end, we would like i to b over soon. We are concerned about Emma's suffering and do not want to hold on to her if she is in pain or suffering. This is also difficult on us emotionally and physically difficult for me. If this is not going to have a happy ending, we want to relieve everyone's suffering and move on with our lives.

On a happier note, we have been getting out and doing family activities lately. On Saturday Tim and I ran in a 2 mile St. Patrick's Day Fun Run. This race has been somewhat of a tradition for us. I have run the 10K portion of the race for the last two years, starting the year I was pregnant with Timmy. This year I am a lot further along in the pregnancy and opted for the lighter 2 mile event. Tim ran the 10K with me last year and also opted for the 2 Miler this year. He pushed Timmy in a stroller and I dragged Chance along with me. Surprisingly, he lasted the entire race and we finished strong. Our time was terrible, but we had a lot of fun. It was great to get outdoors for an entire afternoon and the weather was perfect for a run. We saw lots of our friends and really enjoyed the festivities.

I have enclosed some pictures. I do not post many pictures of Tim, so I have included one from two weeks ago when he went to Topeka to shoot sporting clays at a local club. He had a blast and has been talking about it ever since.

Rob Yllescas and "The Small Things"

2009-03-04T20:22:00.001-06:00

Sometimes when we experience personal tragedy or setbacks in our lives, we have a tendency to put on our “blinders” and miss the small “little things” that allow us to experience joy in our lives. Often the newness of a tragedy makes us emotionally unprepared to experience joy for a period of time, and I believe that this is normal and sometimes appropriate. With our recent experiences in the loss of our dear friend Rob and the unexpected diagnosis of a genetic disorder in my pregnancy with Emma, we have had to look hard sometimes to notice the small things that are provided in our lives as a means to separate us from our grief. Sometimes these are obvious, other times they are not. We don’t intend to make light of our experiences with Emma’s medical concerns, or reduce our visits to the specialist in Topeka to a discussion of pancakes and syrup. However, sometimes we have literally received absolutely no good news and left the office in tears, and the ONLY positive thing we can draw from the experience is eating good pancakes and syrup.

I had an experience over the past week that has reminded me of the importance of recognizing the “little things” that are present in our lives to alleviate pain, as long as we are open to the experience. My experience hinges on our friend, Rob Yllescas who passed away in December after being wounded in Afghanistan in October of this past year. Rob was a dear friend, and Tim and I consider he and his wife, Dena, to be in our circle of “Army next-of-kin.” If we could choose our family, we would choose the Yllescases. Anyway, in order to understand the significance of my experience this week, I will relate some good memories that I have of Rob.

I was deployed to Iraq with Rob and Tim in 2005. Rob was a very capable officer who was given a variety of tough tasks that often required him to be “outside the wire” and in harm’s way. Rob and I would often meet up in the DFAC, usually at breakfast and talk about all sorts of things. The DFAC usually had several televisions playing the news and the beloved AFN commercials. One of these commercials depicted a bunch of people walking peacefully on beaches and connecting in a bunch of very cheesy ways. It was an advertisement for some peace organization, which was a little unusual since most commercials created on AFN are Army-sponsored and remind us of important things like wearing helmets on motorcycles (in Iraq). Anyway, the theme song for this commercial was just as cheesy as the scenes it depicted. I do not know the name of the song or who sings it, but I believe it came out in the 80’s. So, cue 80’s music:

“And we can build this dream together, standing here forever,
Nothing’s gonna stop us now…
And when this world runs out of lovers, we’ll still have each other,
Nothing’s gonna stop us now….”

Anyway, whether he wanted to admit it or not, Rob was obviously familiar with this song. There were a few times when it came on that he would sing it at an uncomfortably loud volume, sometimes grabbing my shoulders or pretending to wave an imaginary cigarette lighter. This song played in the DFAC a lot, but usually Rob gave this reaction after a long day (or night) when he needed to lighten the mood. He had a way of bringing humor to difficult situations and making the mood lighter. This was one of the best qualities I remember about him.
Anyway, to appreciate the humor and irony of this situation, it needs to be considered in its context: Here we are, in Iraq, and Rob is sitting at the table recounting the latest firefight or IED explosion that he inexplicably walked away from. (I used to think Rob Yllescas was the luckiest Soldiers alive after some of his experiences). We are surrounded by violence on a daily basis and are discussing Rob’s personal experiences when our conversation is interrupted by an overly cheesy peace commercial that suggests that we should all just hold hands and sing “Kumbaya.” Pretty ironic, but you probably had to be there.

Anyway, after Rob was hurt in October, this small experience has stuck in my mind as a memory of Rob that still bring s smile to my face. It was so small and insignificant that I doubt Rob would even remember doing it if asked about it when we returned in 2006. I think the reason it sticks out in my mind is because it is a good illustration of one of Rob’s strengths, which was his ability to put experiences into perspective and draw out humor.

I focused on this memory as I prayed for Rob’s recovery in October and November and later went to his funeral in December. For the LIFE OF ME, I could not recall the song that goes with the memory. This has been something that has annoyed me for four and half months, until I heard the song playing in an adjacent office last week. As soon as I heard it, the memories came flooding back and it brought a smile to my face (literally). I was so excited to finally recall the song that has been nagging me for months that I wrote it down on a little sticky note. There have been several times this last week that that little sticky note has managed to get stuck to half a million things. Each time I would pull it off of a stack of paperwork, I would recall Rob and his sense of perspective and humor. It always brought a smile to my face. It s no secret that the last few months have been a very trying time in our lives, but I am grateful for this very small opportunity to appreciate some of the blessings we have received in our lives. One of these blessings is Rob Yllescas. Whereas we are definitely still grieving for him and bearing the pain of his loss, I am still glad that we had the opportunity to experience his friendship. I am disappointed that our time with him was cut short, but I am grateful for the memories and life lessons that he gave to us. We will carry those with us forever. Rob never got to hear the news or our initial excitement about our pregnancy or hear about our grief over the miscarriage. However, I still feel his presence in our lives, even if it is through memories.

This very small experience would have been very easy to ignore without an open mind. It would have been easy to forget the memory in the DFAC or overlook the significance of the continuous re-appearance of the sticky note. It is a reminder that it is important to keep an open mind an focus on the positive blessings of our lives, however small they may seem sometimes. I initially wrote the sticky note so that I could commit the song to my memory. This week, I finally disposed of the sticky note and chose to commit the experience and lesson to my memory.

Her name is Emma

2009-02-28T10:36:00.005-06:00

Tim and I sat down earlier this week and embarked on the bittersweet task of choosing a name for our precious little girl. We wanted to be able to give her an identity,not just a tragic diagnosis. This has been something we have been talking about and considering for a while. At first I was reluctant to allow myself to grieve for a baby that I will probably never get to meet, especially since I was expecting to lose her much earlier than this stage in the pregnancy. Tim was a little reluctant to name her because he didn't want us to attach a sense of false hope in moving forward with naming, as couples usually do in normal pregnancies. In the end, we have decided to start trying to build her identity as our daughter rather than our medical tragedy. We both feel a greater sense of peace and propriety in doing this.

So, our daughter's name is Emma Grace Decker. Emma means "Embracing All" and Grace means (predictably) "Grace." We literally went through an entire thick book of baby girl names before deciding on this one. We wanted to pick the right name to attach some meaning to our experience with her, and a name that means "embracing all" sort of sums it up. Despite the fact that Emma has some very serious medical problems that will likely take her away from us, we have resolved to embrace her for the time that we have. She is our daughter no matter what the outcome. Though we cannot really see a grander purpose for our grief right now, she still holds a very precious place in our hearts. We named her in order to recognize the love that we feel for her despite the circumstances.

There is no medical news or updates on Emma to share right now. I have been in twice this week to check her heartbeat, and it is still completely normal. I understand that her condition will progressively worsen, and that this process will potentially take a while. It still baffles me how her little heart can continue to beat so strongly and so normally despite the challenges that are created by her edema. She must have a very strong, resilient little heart...one more little fact about her identity that we will carry with us.

On a lighter note- news from the Decker House:

Little Timmy is continuing to grow and learn. He has recovered from his little bug and is back in action. This week he has started drinking from a normal adult cup with no lid. We're still nervous about this, so we only let him practice at the table with a bib, but he does a fairly good job and avoiding spills.

Tim has asked me to share the final results of his "Quest for the Perfect Pancake." So, we have located Krusteaz pancake mix, both plain and blueberry flavored (thanks Mom and Dad Barkley!). A summary of Tim's attempts:

Atempt 1: Plain Krusteaz pancakes- fluffy, but disappointed with the level of browning
Attempt 2: Krusteaz pancakes cooked in butter- much better, but not on par with Stormont Vail
Attempt 3: Ricotta pancakes from scratch- YUCK! no fluffiness
Attempt 4: blueberry Krusteaz, baked by Kim due to Tim's illness- good, but blueberries not fresh enough
Attempt 5: Bisquick pancakes cooked in butter- good, less favor than Krusteaz

So, after the past 5 weeks' worth of attempts, Tim has come to an epiphany: IT'S THE SYRUP! He had me re-appropriate several syrup packs from the dining hall in our latest visit to Stormont Vail. This morning he tried one of the syrup packs and made the determination that the crux of the perfect pancake lies in the syrup, not the batter. So, if you ever run across Heinz pancake syrup in the grocery store, know that you have discovered the Holy Grail of pancakes. And, for the record, the best combination possible is plain Krusteaz pancakes, prepared on the griddle with butter, and topped with Heinz syrup. Quest Complete.

Final Results and Check-Up

2009-02-21T19:27:00.003-06:00

This week we finally got the final results from the amniocentesis...Turner's Syndrome is definitely confirmed. We were not surprised by the results, though we are definitely heartbroken at the prognosis. Tim and I have been through and endless week of appointments, but the most significant was our visit to the specialist in Topeka. We knew the day was off to a bad start when we were sorely disappointed by the quality of our beloved pancakes in the Dining Facility. It appears that we got the cakes at the bottom of the pile that had been under a heating lamp too long...unsatisfactory. At any rate, we got absolutely no positive news at all during our appointment. The ultrasound was heartbreaking....the hygroma has gotten very large and is now running down the baby's back and has entered the chest cavity. The size of the hygroma has limited the space available for the baby and has pushed her into a fairly unnatural-looking position. The doctor explains that the position was the most comfortable for the baby, but it still broke my heart to see her. The most significant finding is that there is significant pleural effusion, which is fluid build-up in the lungs. This is the precursor to the heart failure that the doctor has been predicting for a while now. Looking at the ultrasound made it really difficult to choke back tears. We have decided not to see Dr. Evans again for another four weeks. We do not have any more diagnostic needs and there are no treatment options, so we do not really need to assistance of a specialist.

Thank you all very much for your words of love and support. The one positive that I can draw from this experience is an overwhelming sense of support from friends and loved ones. Thank you very much.

In other news, Timmy continues to grow and keep us on our toes every day. He's so cute and fun as he grows and learns. Sometimes we look over at him and realize that he is very obviously imitating something that he has seen one of us do. We can't stifle our giggles...he's a funny baby. Unfortunately, this week we have been plagued with the tummy-bug. Timmy was "kicked out" of daycare on Thursday and was sick through Friday. Tim and I took turns staying with him. As much as I wish I could take way the illness, I will have to admit that it was really nice to be able to stay home and rest with him a little bit. I have felt physically better in the last few days than I have felt the entire time I have been pregnant. Unfortunately, Tim got the "bug" today and has spent the entire day on the couch. What a weekend!

Amnio Results and Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T14:48:00.004-06:00

We have not gotten our full amniocentesis results, but we did get the preliminary results on Tuesday. It was a nerve-wracking day because we were supposed to get the results in the morning, but LTC Franklin played phone tag with the hospital in Topeka until about noon. When I finally got my results, it caused me to miss a meeting, which I got in deep trouble for later on in the day. It is pretty frustrating to be going through all of this and then have work troubles piled on top. Anyway...

The baby has a condition called Turner's Syndrome, which is a chromosomal abnormality with the X Chromosome. The health effects are significantly less tragic as many of the other chromosomal abnormalities, and Tim and I have decided that we can manage the potential health effects, should we be blessed with a little girl at the end of this nine months. However, the sad news is that most Turner's babies will end in miscarriage. We initially hard the figure that 99% would end in miscarriage, but the genetic counselor told us that the latest studies puts the miscarriage rate closer to 75%. Of those, 60% will miscarry in the first or second trimester, and roughly 15% will miscarry in the THIRD trimester. Tim and I have made the decision to take what God hands us (not tat we had many options) but I am really concerned about a third trimester miscarriage. I am already in my second trimester, and the baby has a strong, normal heartbeat. However, we can see on the ultrasounds that the edema is worsening, even after only a few days from the ultrasound in Topeka and the one that LTC Franklin performed on Tuesday. The edema is well into the lungs and the prognosis is not good, regardless of the statistics. What we are planning for right now is a miscarriage sometime in this pregnancy. If we get blessed with the birth of a daughter at the end of this, we will be thrilled, though it does not seem realistic at this point to have that expectation. Oh yeah...and we do definitely have a little girl. This condition only affects females, so we have confirmation.

On a lighter note, we have enjoyed our Valentine's Day thus far. I bought Tim a cake from Baskin Robbins (our weakness lately) and also picked up a little clown cone for Timmy. I have enclosed the pictures of his sugar delight. He doesn't get very many sweets, so Timmy definitely savored every bite of this cone.

A Day at the Pool

2009-02-07T20:23:00.005-06:00

We finally got some respite from the bitter, bitter cold that has been plaguing Kansas for the last few weeks. It has been in the 60's for the last few days, which has been a huge blessing. Since it was so nice out today, we decided to venture out of the house and go have some fun. We took Timmy to the (indoor) pool at Fort Riley. We had a blast! Timmy just can't get enough of the water, which is good considering what family he is a part of. Timmy is doing much better at moving his arms and legs and setting the foundations for learning to swim. It also helped that the water wasn't as freezing as it was when we took the swim lessons this past fall.

After some time at the pool, we went next door to the PX for some Baskin Robbins ice cream. To my knowledge, this was Timmy's first ice cream experience. He loved it! After all of the excitement.

Amnio Day

2009-02-06T16:31:00.006-06:00

Today was the day I have been anxious about for three weeks. I am finally far enough into my pregnancy to allow for amniocentesis to be performed in order to give us a more concrete diagnosis for the baby's condition. I went in on Monday for a regular ultrasound to detect the baby's heartbeat. The news from that ultrasound was not reassuring. On Monday it appeared that the edema from the cystic hygroma had spread to the chest wall. As of today, the hygroma has almost doubled in size and the edema has spread to the lungs. This is a huge problem because it can constrict the growth and function of the lungs, and eventually contribute to death. The bigger issue is that it appears that the condition is significantly worsening, though the doctor could not give me any predictions on how long the baby might live. He explained that since I am doing most of the work sustaining the baby right now, the baby can survive in utero for a long time, even though it may not have any chance of survival later in the pregnancy. Though a small percentage of cystic hygromas will resolve on their own, the doctor told us today that he had never seen a baby survive with a hygroma of this magnitude. He rather bluntly told us that it is just a matter of time.

So, despite all of the really rough news, Tim and I chose to try to make the best of our gloomy trip to Topeka today. Allow me to relate the "Adventures of Timmy Decker and the Quest for the Perfect Pancake." For those who have spent any amount of time at our house on a weekend, you will know that Tim has an immutable Sunday morning routine of making pancakes. He takes this routine to an art and has been working diligently to try new pancake recipes and perfect his own recipes to make The Perfect Pancake. This has led to a series of interesting combinations for toppings and a few pancake "flops" over the years, but usually he does a fairly good job. Tim also has a routine for how h eats his pancakes, which borders on Obsessive-Compulsive, but his weekly "Pancake Zen" seems to relax him. To each his own.

At any rate, the first time we went to the hospital in Topeka, we had some down time between speaking to specialists. The receptionist suggested that we go to the hospital cafeteria and grab a bite to eat i between appointments. We went downstairs and had a really, really good breakfast. Both of our breakfasts consisted of the largest, fluffiest pancakes I've ever seen. These pancakes have become the stuff of legends over the past few weeks since our visit. Today, we left the house extra early for Topeka so we would have plenty of time to go to the cafeteria and get some more of these heavenly pancakes. Today as we munched on our pancakes, Tim told me how he intended to get the recipe from the cafeteria and wondered if they would give up the secret. All morning we talked about the pancakes, even joking about it through the amnio procedure. The doctor instructed Tim to take me out fora huge lunch to help replenish me after the procedure, but he stated that cafeteria pancakes would always do the trick. Anyway, after the procedure, we went back to the cafeteria, speculating all the way there about what exotic recipe or brand of mix could possibly result in the world's most heavenly pancakes. When we got to the cafeteria, Tim asked to speak to the "pancake chef" and kindly asked for the recipe. The kind lady behind the grill looked at us for a minute (as if you ask--"are you serious?") and broke out in a snicker. "You can get these at Wal-Mart....nothin' special. We just add water. Look..." She held out a bag of Krusteaz pancake mix. The look on Tim's face dropped. He was completely deflated by the idea that his precious pancakes could possibly be the result of your run-of-the-mill pancake mix. So, the secret's out: Krusteaz pancake mix is the way to go for perfecting the art of Sunday morning Pancake Zen. Who knew?

Back to Kansas

2009-01-31T19:47:00.004-06:00

There really aren't any new developments this week with respect to the new baby. I went in on Monday for an ultrasound, and the baby looked fine. The hygroma does not appear to have grown any, and there does not appear to be any fluid around the heart of lungs, which will continue to be a concern for as long as this pregnancy lasts. It was a little surreal looking at the ultrasound pictures. The baby has grown quite a bit since the last time I saw it on the ultrasound. The baby is moving and looks fairly normal to me other than the hygroma. It is a little hard to peek in at this baby that seems so normal and know that there is something terribly wrong despite how well the baby seems to be doing right now. As hard as it was to look at the pictures with tat in mind, I did actually gain some peace and a greater sense of calm and hope than I have experienced since we first learned about the baby's condition. A large part of this calm has come from being paired up with such a wonderful, compassionate midwife who has truly gone above and beyond to help me through this. LTC Franklin gave up her lunch break to talk to me and do this ultrasound on Monday. She and I talked for a long time. Her compassion is so genuine and her personality is so calming that it really helped me out a great deal. We have weekly ultrasounds scheduled now, but seeing her is almost likely having a weekly therapy session as well. She is a self-described "free spirit," which is probably about the right fir for me right now. My spirit is anything but free right now.
I have also spoken to several infant loss specialists this week and have an appointment scheduled for next week. Though we are not at the point of experiencing pregnancy or infant loss, we are definitely grieving the loss of a normal pregnancy. We have been blessed with so many people willing to help us get the resources we need to navigate all of the medical decisions we have coming up. I have another ultrasound scheduled for Monday and an ultrasound and amniocentesis scheduled for Friday. Though this testing comes with some risk, whatever the outcome, we will at least find peace in being able to have some more answers. One day at a time...

In other news, this has been a less-than-healthy week in the Decker household. I was feeling pretty bad on Thursday, so I was put on two days "quarters" (military sick leave). I really, really hated to leave work this week, especially after having been out so much lately, but I was feeling really bad and noticed that I was pretty crabby to be around. I assumed all of this was related to being pregnant, so I came home and slept all afternoon. When Timmy came home form daycare he was running a fever of 103 (YIKES!). I took y temperature and it was up as well, so I assume we both got the "crud." I have to stifle the panic and temptation to run straight to the ER with Timmy. We got his temp down a few degrees with a lukewarm bath, some Motrin and some iced apple juice. I kept him with me the next day and Tim took him to the doctor. It turns out that he had a pretty nasty ear infection. My fever got better with rest (imagine that...listen to doctor's orders and get better. What a concept).

As if that wasn't enough, our dog Chance got sick as well yesterday. This is sort of gross, so read on only if you dare. Chance got a hold of something that made his tummy upset. He threw up faster than we could clean it up, a total of 6-7 times in a few hours. While Tim was downstairs cleaning, I was upstairs with Chance. He started to get sick again, so I held out the closest container I could find, which turned out to be a bowl. Chance managed to arch the yack over the bowl I was holding and barf all over my legs, all the way from my waist down. That was almost the last straw with both Tim and I. We both vowed that Chance was more trouble than he was worth. However, after an uneventful night and a full recovery today, we have decided to welcome him back into our hearts. What can we say...we love the big lug.

Trip to Virginia

2009-01-24T20:53:00.003-06:00

We just returned from our trip to Virginia. We got a chance to decompress a little bit from recent events and visit with some family and friends. On Monday evening we went to Maryland to visit our friends Ryan, Nancy and their daughter, Jillian. It was great to get to see them again and also to give Timmy and Jillian have some time to play together. We went to an EXCELLENT seafood restaurant and had some crab, tuna, hush puppies and soup. The utensils and "china" were barely a step up from matching Cool-Whip containers, but the food was definitely worth five stars.

When we returned from Maryland, I went to a hospital near my parents' house to check on the baby. I was concerned about getting on an airplane with an impending miscarriage. The hospital performed an ultrasound. Luckily, the baby had a strong heartbeat and there was nothing to indicate any problems as of yet. That puts me at 12 weeks pregnant as of this past Thursday. We do not know what the future holds, but we continue to hope for the best.

2009-01-20T21:04:00.003-06:00

As many know by now, but as of yet we have failed to blog, Tim and I are pregnant with our second baby. We have known for quite some time now, but have only gradually been making announcements. The sad news is that I went in for an OB check at 11 weeks last week and the midwife found an abnormality on the ultrasound. The baby is still alive and has a strong heartbeat, but there is definitely a problem.

After the initial ultrasound, we went to radiology and had a level II ultrasound with better resolution. We knew instantly that there was a real problem when the tech sent for a doctor to explain the findings. We were given some preliminary thoughts form the radiologist and booked immediately for the next morning to see a maternal-fetal specialist.

On Friday, we travelled to Topeka for a series of appointments that lasted over two and a half hours. I received another ultrasound and we spoke with the genetic counselor and the the doctor. The genetic counselor explained that the baby has a cystic hygroma. This is caused by a blockage of the lymphatic system that results in a collection of lymphatic fluid in the soft tissue behind the neck and base of the head. This is the cystic hygroma that was seen on the ultrasound. According to the genetic counselor, this marker carries with it a 30-50% chance that the baby will have a major genetic problem. The top three possibilities are Turner's Syndrome, Down's Syndrome and Trisomy 18. All of these conditions are seriously problematic for various reasons and have different prognoses. We have several options for getting a definitive diagnosis, but those testing options are several weeks away. The genetic counselor said that the most likely cause for a cystic hygroma is Turner' Syndrome, but there was another soft marker (lack of formation of nasal structures) that would also be a soft marker for Down's Syndrome.

We spoke with the genetic counselor for quite a while and then met with the doctor. The doctor painted a much different picture. He felt very certain that the condition was Turner's Syndrome because of the size of the cystic hygroma. Turner's Syndrome is a genetic condition that only affects females and can carry with it a number of health problems. From what we have read, girls with Turner's Syndrome generally lead happy, healthy lives without the cognitive disability that is seen in Down's Syndrome. However, there are very few women/ girls with this condition because it generally carries a 98-99% miscarriage rate. The doctor was confident that the condition was Turner's and very confident that the pregnancy would end in miscarriage. He was very compassionate but also very blunt, straightforward and confident in his assessment that we should prepare mentally and emotionally for the end of the pregnancy. Usually miscarriage happens with this condition prior to 12 weeks, but he did warn that it could take 20 weeks or even more before the miscarrriage happens. The timing depends on how quickly the cystic hygroma progresses and the effect that it has on the heart. As of 11 weeks, the baby's heart was doing fine.

From an emotional standpoint, Tim and I are deeply saddened, overwhelmed and a little scared for our uncertain future. We do not have many options at this point other than to wait it out. We plan on receiving weekly or bi-weekly ultrasounds to check on the baby from this point on. Other than that, we will probably be doing a lot of waiting, worrying and talking about the future. Should we end up having a special needs child, that will obviously change a lot about our future and the vision that we had for our lives. At this point, we just don't have enough information to really make any plans, so we wait.....

Christmas!

2009-01-03T22:43:00.003-06:00

The month of December and the holiday season just flew by! We have had a lot going on and have been busy every single weekend for the past several weeks. Tim graduated from the Career Course in Kentucky in the beginning o December. He came back to Kansas in mid-December to attend the hospital's Holiday Ball with me. He had to go back to Kentucky for a few days to finish up his outprocessing and "officially" move back to Kansas for good! Unfortunately, Tim's "move-home" timeline was a little rushed due to the fact that I landed myself in the hospital for a few days. It wasn't anything real serious, but I got a particularly nasty virus that made me dehydrated. It took a couple of days to perk back up, but I'm back on my feet and completely recovered by now. This experience did, however, remind me just how lucky I am to have the family that I do. When I was in the hospital I called my Mom and asked her about the possibility of having her come out to take care of Timmy "just in case" I was in the hospital longer than expected. Fifteen minutes later she called back to tell me that she would be in Kansas that same night. Not only that, after arriving in the middle of the night she drove over two hours through a pretty wicked snowstorm to get here. That's a dedicated Mom! In the end, I got released after just a few days and Tim was able to get back to Kansas earlier than anticipated. However, it was great to have Mom around to help out with Timmy and the house while I recovered. I owe you one, Mom!
For Christmas Tim and I went to California to visit Mom and Dad Decker, et al. We were excited to be a part of a huge family reunion with Tim's Grandpa, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, brother and new sister-in-law-to-be. All in all, there were FIFTEEN of us all living in the house. We had a great time and had plenty of time to relax and enjoy each other's company.
The big announcement for the Christmas holiday is that Tim's brother, Rick got engaged to his girlfriend-now-fiance, Rachel. We are absolutely thrilled for Rick and Rachel and were excited to be there to share the moment with both of them. Congrats you two!
Tim, Timmy and I are back home from California and enjoying life together as a unified family. It is great to have Tim back home from Kentucky. Timmy definitely benefits from the extra attention and having another parent around. He is a lot of fun and energy. He has taken a liking to running, throwing and picking through drawers, cabinets, etc. He is quite the handful, but so much fun!

Remembering Rob

2008-12-03T22:19:00.001-06:00

Tim and I have many, many memories with Rob, but I think the greatest moments we spent with Rob were spent out on the boat. Rob taught us to wakeboard during the summer of 2006 and we have been loving the great outdoors, Milford Lake, boating and wakeboarding ever since. This video footage was taken the during the summer of 2006, shortly after Rob bought his boat. I feel the need to offer this disclaimer on Rob's behalf: we were all learning to wakeboard the summer this footage was taken, Rob included. Also, it was a pretty choppy day out there when we shot this film, though it is not completely visible in the footage. I remember the guys sort of whining about it that day. At any rate, Rob can wakeboard circles around all of us and definitely learned some new skills since this was taken. Rob would probably want anyone viewing this video to know that he was an awesome wakeboarder :)

Remembering Rob Yllescas

2008-12-02T19:48:00.000-06:00

It is with a heavy heart that I write this entry today. Yesterday, our dear friend, Rob Yllescas passed away after a a hard-fought battle with injuries sustained in Afghanistan last month. I simply do not have the words to express the level of grief and sympathy that I feel for Rob's wife, Dena and their two little girls, Julia and Eva. Last night as I got home and spent sometime alone thinking about Rob and the impact that he has had on our life, I started to go through the photographs and videos that we have of some wonderful memories shared with the Yllescas family. I am completely at a loss for words to express the emptiness that Rob's passing will bring to our family, but I am still filled with several good years of warm memories. I have created this video as a tribute to Rob and the wonderful memories that he has left with Tim and I.

I also have some video footage of Rob from the first summer he had his boat (his pride and joy) and we were all learning to wakeboard. Rob is the one who fueled our passion for boating and wakeboarding and prompted us to buy our boat and continue wakeboarding. I will never get on our boat again without a warm memory of Rob and that summer of 2006 when we spent every weekend together. I'll never forget how Rob used to talk about getting his boat nonstop thoughout our deployment together in 2005. I used to just listen to him talk about how "good things were going to be" when he got back to the US and saw his family and bought the boat he had been dreaming about. It wasn't until I actually started spending time on the boat every weekend that I really began to enjoy it and share Rob's passion. I will get the wakeboarding video posted as soon as I get it rendered.

2008-11-28T23:12:00.001-06:00

2008-11-28T23:01:00.000-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-28T21:11:00.000-06:00

We hope that you have all had a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday! Tim, Timmy and I have had a great time over the past few days, though we have met with a few "challenges." Tim came home on Thanksgiving Day and thankfully had a safe trip. It was up to me to get the turkey started and everything ready for having company over in the afternoon. No big deal...right? Well, the night before a friend delivered the turkey and I decided it was a little "smallish" so I ran out on Thanksgiving morning and grabbed another small turkey just in case. Needless to say, this was frozen solid. So, I ran it under hot water for while, and in the middle of this process, I heard water running through the pipes(predictably), but it was making a weird sound. So, I went out to the garage to check things out and noticed water leaking from a pipe. Now, by "leaking" I mean "like a firehose." So, Thanksgiving being the second cheapest day of the year to hire a plumber, I frantically called one at about noon. So, let me paint this serene picture for you: I was running late, frozen turkey in sink, dressed in my dress blues (military uniform) running through my garage that is overflowing with water trying to get to the shut-off valve for the water (which of course was corroded, rusted and difficult to operate). The plumber agreed to meet me after I got back from work in a few hours. He showed up, turned a few knobs and charged me $20 for the less than five minutes it took for him to fix the problem and explain it to me. Oh well, I was just glad t have my water back and begin working on the turkey. I ended up having to nuke it in the microwave for about an hour. After all of this, we expected that it would ultimately have the consistency of a rubber frisbee, but it was actually the juiciest turkey I have ever had. We were running a "little" behind and did not get to dinner until after 8pm, but those are just details. The moral of the story is microwaves save Thanksgiving. :)

Tim is still back for a few days and we have been getting everything moved back into the house from his move to Kentucky. It is nice to feel like he lives here again, although he will be returning on Sunday for another few weeks. It has been really nice to have him around to help out with Timmy. Timmy still goes to him and really enjoys the extra play time. I really enjoy the extra nap time and ability to run in the morning.

Grins and Giggles

2008-11-18T20:42:00.000-06:00

We are all eagerly looking forward to our upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. Tim is planning on driving back from Fort Knox. After he returns from the long weekend, he will only have a few weeks until graduation! I will take over dog-duty for a few weeks while he moves out of the crack house he lives in and mooches off a buddy for a while. It is a lot easier to mooch when you don't have a 140-lb dog vying for some floor space in someone else's house. So, I will have Chance and Timmy to keep me busy for a few weeks, but I look forward to having Tim back to spend some quality time with Timmy. It will b good for him to have some leave time to re-connect with his son and have some fun.

I am also looking forward to starting some serious running training. I am less than thrilled about running through the winter in the cold, but I have decided to enter some races and begin serious training for a marathon. I have some triathlons under my belt, but I would like to go for the 26-mile challenge before I get too old to cross the finish line. I haven't decided on a marathon location, although I am leaning towards some place like Disney or Hawaii so we can take a family trip and have some fun after race day. I have had to take a little break from running for a few weeks, which has left me about ready to crawl out of my skin. I grew accustomed to a 4 or 5 mile run every morning, but an inner ear infection put the brakes on that training for a while. I tried to train through it and learned very quickly why people with medical degrees often give good advice. :) I am hoping to be back on the road this week and fully training by the time Tim gets back!

Timmy is doing a great job at keeping me busy lately, but he is such a fun, happy, smiley kid it is all worthwhile. He has learned the finer points of a well-choreographed temper tantrum. I usually respond to these by ignoring them or offering a sarcastic remark about the problem-solving effectiveness of throwing one's body onto the ground and kicking and screaming. Obviously he won't understand sarcasm for a few years to come, so I will probably need a new technique. :) That being said, I am still very blessed to have such a great baby like Timmy. His "moments" are usually confined to the evening hours. The rest of the time he is a load of fun to be around and usually keeps me laughing. He is also incredibly adaptable, including those Saturday nights when I get called at 0230am to go handle a situation at work and have to drag him along. Luckily, he is like his Dad and can sleep anywhere :)

Halloween Fun and Nashville Trip

2008-11-11T19:42:00.000-06:00

There has been a lot going on since my last post on the babysites page. First and foremost, at the front of our hearts and minds have been Rob and Dena Yllescas. Rob was injured in Afghanistan a few weeks ago, which was absolutely devastating news to us. We care deeply for the Yllescas family and it breaks our hearts to know that they will be walking down a long, painful road to recovery. Please keep them in your prayers, especially now.

On a happier note, we have had a few fun activities to distract us lately, namely Halloween and my trip to Nashville, TN. For Halloween, Timmy dressed up as a lion, and I must admit, he was REALLY cute. We were planning on doing some Trick or Treating on post, and planned to meet up with another family. Unfortunately, we got the times wrong and missed most of the main event. Oh well, I would go for a quiet evening of hot apple cider and good conversation over a freezing night or Trick-or-Treating any time. That being said, I was disappointed I didn't get the opportunity to show Timmy off in his little lion suit. Everyone on post was cheated out the the opportunity to see the World's Cutest Baby in his Halloween garb. Oh well, definitely next year.

Timmy has also made huge improvements in his walking skills! He took his first few steps a few weeks ago, on October 25. I was playing with him in our living room and was able to coax that first challenging step out of him. He decided he prefers to walk around upright on his knees instead (always the nonconformist) and refused to do it for me again. He took a few more steps the next night in our Command Sergeant Major's kitchen. Our CSM was kind enough to invite Timmy and I and a few other people form work over for dinner and ghost tours. Timmy graced us all with his walking prowess. I contend that he was just interested in having a big audience for his new feat. At any rate, he has been walking more and more over the last few weeks, which has been a lot of fun for me to watch.

This past weekend I had to leave Timmy behind for a few days and go on a little "business trip" in Kentucky. While I was there, I took a few days of leave and Tim and I met up in Nashville. We were both under the weather for the entire trip, so we kept cancelled our plans to do dinner cruises and concerts in favor of more low-key candlelit dinners and some periods of just hanging out. We did get a chance to visit Hermitage, Andrew Jackson's historic home. We were thrilled that not only did we get a military discount to visit the site, the military discount was free! Tim and I spent several hours walking around in the cold visiting the history of Hermitage. We really enjoyed it and it sure beat getting seasick on the big concert boat. I got several pictures, which I will post shortly. Unfortunately, Timmy was unable to come with me since this was a work related trip, so Tim was bummed that he didn't get to see his son. We are definitely eagerly awaiting his return to Kansas so we can be a family again!