Day of Remembrance

Today was supposed to be "the day." The day for holding a new baby in our arms and finally meeting the little one responsible for all of the late night kicks, the backaches, the tummy purges and exhaustion. All of this seems completely worth it to hold you baby in your arms for the first time and experience the miracle of God's blessing.


Instead, today we remembered. We decided to take a half day off from work and honor Emma's memory. I did not think that I could just pass this day that should have welcomed her arrival without taking some time to slow down and remember her. The pain of her loss is a little less raw, and I can honestly say that I have moved on. However, part of that "moving on" process involves being able to honor her memory in a healthy way.

Today Tim and I went to Emma's grave and planted some grass. The ground was still bare from her burial, but her headstone arrived and was set last week.




I think about Emma a lot, especially on the weekends when we "slow down" and relax. I have not blogged very much lately because Tim and I have been out on Lake Milford almost every weekend for the past month. We have enjoyed some great wakeboarding and some quiet time just sitting on the boat and watching the sun go down. We have always really loved living in Kansas, but there is no time when I appreciate it more than sitting on the boat, sipping on a glass of wine and watching a Kansas sunset. It is often in these moments when I really think about Emma. The reminder of Emma's absence is felt every time I look at a sunset and realize that she never even got to see a single sunset. It seems hardly fair after all that she went through and how hard she fought for her life. When I look out over the prairie as we take our boat back to storage after a great day at the lake, I cannot help but think about how Emma and Timmy might have played together on all of that land, or how they may have just tuckered out after a fun day in the sun. Our good friends Karen and Craig sent us a "grief packet" when Emma died that included a deck of cards with grief quotes on them. I keep the cards in the support group room and go through them from time to time. I think the best quote I have heard is "The presence of the absence is everywhere." This could not be more true.



Yet, even as I am reminded of all that has been lost this year, I am also reminded of how very sweet life is. I am so thrilled to be able to be out on the lake with Tim and Timmy and often times a group of our friends. I am grateful for our friend Rob's enthusiasm for boating that ignited our love for Lake Milford and wakeboarding. I will never pass down an opportunity to watch the sun set over Lake Milford. Regardless of how many sunsets I get to watch, I remain thankful for each and every one.

As mentioned before, I have neglected my blog for a while because we have been out enjoying the summer. One of my biggest summer projects has been my training for a 10-mile race that is held at Fort Riley each year. I was hoping to qualify for the 1st Infantry Division Ten Miler team. I found out this week that my time at the Prairie run two weeks ago indeed qualified me for the team. I was so thrilled! It was a personal commitment of mine to get back into shape after Emma's birth and make the team. I am really excited to be able to run in the Army Ten Miler in Washington DC in October. Our team is fully sponsored, so the kicker is that we get our expenses paid to go do a fun race. You can't beat that for "Army good deals."