Emma's Beautiful Day and Funeral

Main Post Chapel

Emma's Memorial Table

When she was with us...

(Photo by Ali Mocabee)

To all,

Today was an absolutely beautiful day, despite our grief. We have about 2-3 days per year (it seems) in Kansas where the sun shines and the wind subsides. This NEVER happens in spring, but it happened today. The funeral went on without a hitch and was very meaningful for us. We begin our journey to healing today.

Enclosed are the remarks, prayer and songs that were played at the funeral today (in order as they were presented). This will be a bit long, but the words express our love for Emma and our gratitude for everone's support people who read this blog were unable to make the funeral, so we feel that it is important to put this on the blog.

Remarks by Kim at funeral:

For the past few months, we have travelled a very deep and sorrowful road with our daughter, Emma. I have found it very difficult to put the words together to pray or even have the wisdom and understanding to know exactly what to pray for. However, that all changed on Friday when I knew that I could not put one foot in front of the other and walk out of the hospital without the strength and grace of the Lord. Despite my inability to pray over the last few months, God helped put words into my heart so that I could pray for our daughter, Emma. In the back of the chapel at our memory table, there sits a little cross that reads “For this child I prayed.” I would add the word “FINALLY.” I am glad that God has given me the strength to grieve instead of being angry for what I cannot understand.

I am about to read a prayer that I have attempted to reconstruct from my memory. This is the same prayer that I prayed silently for our Emma as Tim and I said our final “good-bye” to her as we were leaving the hospital.

The song you are about to hear is the same song that I sang to myself when Emma was taken from this Earth and I saw her for the first time on April 9th. For the record, I don’t particularly care for this song, but for some reason I have attached some personal meaning to this song. The words brought me comfort when I needed it the most. I believe that this is a small miracle that God performed for me that day, at a time when I had stopped looking for miracles in my life.
As the song plays after my prayer, please take a few moments to pray for Emma as you feel comfortable.

Prayer (written and said by Kim):

Dear Lord,

We commit to You our dear baby Emma and pray for Your guidance. Please take her by her tiny hand, Lord, and lead her to paradise in Your presence. Though we love her dearly, we are now letting her go and entrusting her to Your loving arms.

We grieve for our tiny angel, the one whose first hello also meant her last good-bye. We mourn as parents for the loss of our chance to cheer at Emma’s first step, to attend her kindergarten graduation, to send her off to college, or celebrate her wedding day. We weep for the special place in our hearts that we reserved just for Emma. We grieve for the special finger paintings that will be missing from our refrigerator and the sunsets that Emma will never experience. Despite this, Lord, please help us in our sorrow to understand that her life in Your presence in Heaven is far more loving, more peaceful, and more content than her life in this world could have ever been.

Lord, we have prayed to You for a different course for Emma; one that would have led us to hold a healthy baby in our arms. We struggle deeply to understand Your grand design for our lives and why You have placed this chapter in it. However, we know that You are a loving God, capable of answering this prayer: Please lead Emma to Heaven with You. She is little, Lord, and still needs a parent to show her the way. We know that You will love her and guide her, the same way that You love us and will guide us through our pain. Please take the tears of grief that we shed for her down here and multiply them into tears of happiness for Emma in Your kingdom.

Lord, we do not understand the tragedy of this experience. We seek Your wisdom, strength and guidance as we face the difficult deed of giving our dear Emma back to You after You shared her with us for but a few brief moments. Please be with us as we grieve, Lord, but most importantly, please be with our precious Emma.

Amen.

Song Played:

When I Get Where I’m Going by Brad Paisley

(Feat. Dolly Parton)

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.
I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain
(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I'll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Don't cry for me down here.
I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he'll match me step for step,
and I'll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I'll hug his neck.
(Chorus)
So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can't answer,
so much work to do.
But when I get where I'm going,
and I see my Maker's face.
I'll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
Yeah when I get where I'm going,
there'll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I'm going.
Yeah when I get where I'm going.

Remarks From Kim:

Thank you all for being here to support us as we honor the short life of Emma and recognize the place she has held in our hearts. Emma left an indelible footprint on our lives because she was our child, even if it was only for a short period of time. She was real to me because I carried her next to me for twenty three weeks, felt her movements, and knew that her heart was beating next to mine. It is not really appropriate in this situation to offer a eulogy for a person who, sadly, did not get to experience life. So, for now, I would like to shift focus a little bit and talk about love.
It is my sincere hope that Emma could feel the love that surrounded her. I am not just talking about the love she received from Tim and me, but the love that we all received from our friends and family that have lifted us up in this time of trial. We have felt love in gestures great and small offered by complete strangers and dear friends and family alike. The love and support that we received edified our resolve and allowed us to love Emma even more. We have been the recipients of loving gestures that have ranged from a prayer offered by a complete stranger to ongoing daily support offered by a very special nurse midwife. We cannot really enumerate and list all of the acts of kindness we have received, so we will not even attempt it. However, from the bottom of our hearts, we thank God for the blessings we have received in the friendship and kindness of our loved ones.

On that note, I wanted to share with you a small lesson that I have learned about love and perspective. About a week and a half ago, Tim and I were driving to Kansas City for yet another medical evaluation from a specialist. I was talking to a dear friend of ours who is no stranger to tragedy and sorrow. I complained to her that I felt like we were surrounded by the overwhelming tragedies of many of our friends lately and implied that we were somehow targeted by ill fate. My friend stopped me, paused a minute, and gave me a new perspective that has changed the way that I view friendship and sadness. You see, I was focusing on how many sad things have happened to us and our close friends lately. It is not that the volume of tragedy is any higher for us or for our friends than it is for the average person. The events that happen in our lives only appear to happen more frequently when our lives are intricately woven into the lives of others and we are deeply involved in providing support and love to one another during hard times. The real truth is that we have been overwhelmingly blessed with the capacity to hold close and intimate relationships with so many people who are dear to us. I have learned through this experience that in our capacity to grieve, we must first have the capacity to love. It is that capacity to love that I would like to focus on as we say good-bye to Emma. She is surrounded in love by not only her parents, but everyone in this room who has supported us in our sorrow.

We thought for several days about the song that we wanted to have performed at Emma’s funeral. Stacey Shepherd, who will perform the song, encouraged us to choose a song that speaks to our heart. We listened to track after track and never could quite decide on a song that contained just the right words to express our grief but also recognize the love and support we have received from our loved ones. When we had finally decided on this song, we felt comforted by our decision, but we were unable to find the performance music anywhere. We doubted our choice because it was not really religious, until we found it in the Christian Book Store—the last place we looked. The song remained a big topic of discussion in our household and will remain a topic for years to come. This morning, my mother-in-law, Jan Decker, came into the house holding the devotion for today, April 14. The devotion discusses how God serves like a bridge over troubled water to help us get through difficult times. We chose this song before reading the devotional today, the day we bury our dear Emma. We can not ignore the fact that this is an obvious sign to us that God is with us during our troubled times. This song is for Emma, but it also expresses our feelings about the friendships and love we have experienced. By the grace of God we have changed our perspective on life and have been touched by not only Emma, but the greater love that surrounds her. The healing starts now.

Remarks by Tim:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends, and Family,

I would like to thank you all for coming here today to support our family. Kim captured much of the sentiment I would like to convey, but I have been so touched by everyone’s kindness that I would like to express my gratitude personally.

When Kim and I first decided to hold a funeral for little Emma, we expected to be the only audience, as a funeral for someone who never had a chance to live could seem odd and uncomfortable. Your presence here today speaks volumes about your compassion and care for us. And most importantly, we would like you to know we’ve felt your compassion and care, not just today, but throughout our ordeal. Without exception, every person in this room has asked us what we need and what they could do to help. In a strange sense, I’m sorry that we couldn’t lean on each of you a little more, just to let you know how much we appreciate your support. Words could never convey how grateful we are, but please know your caring hasn’t been taken for granted, and we are truly thankful for all of your generosity.

Thank you and may God bless each of you.

Song:
(Performed at funeral by Stacey Shepherd)

Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel

When you’re weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes,
I will dry them all;I’m on your side.
When times get rough
And friends just can’t be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you’re down and out,
When you’re on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I’ll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silvergirl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.