A Sense of Purpose- March for Babies

I have been struggling deeply to figure out a constructive way to grieve for Emma Grace. I have been absolutely consumed by the grief of her loss, and truly wish to spend all day every day actively grieving for her. I have created memory boxes, made plans for a scrapbook and have started working on a quilt piece in her honor (the quilt piece will have to be made "with lots of love" because I do not really have any talent in that department). However, I feel that each of these activities, while creatively constructive towards my personal healing, are more "guilty pleasures" than anything else. There are only so many times you can open a memory box, re-arrange the contents and put it back on the shelf. There is only so long that I can spend large parts of my time writing short pieces that will stay on my computer and not be read. All of these activities are inwardly driven towards my own personal healing, and serve no real greater purpose than to apply an imaginary salve to my very open wound.

I have decided to begin fundraising for the March of Dimes. Tim and I will walk our first event on April 24, 2009 in Topeka, Kansas in honor of Emma Grace. We will likely do several more walks in the future. I have not given myself very much time to prepare and raise funds, and I am not very comfortable in asking for donations. However, if you are so inclined, please consider donating to this charity by clicking on the link below or clicking on the link to the right side of this blog under "favorite links."

I am very excited about the opportunity to participate in this March for Babies, and possibly others in the future. I have gained more inner peace in deciding to undertake this cause than I have gained from any other futile attempts to hold on to a memory of Emma that I never had the opportunity to make. I feel that contributing to fundraising in any way and participating in these walks offers a constructive outlet for my pain and grief. My chain of command has given me the generous opportunity to take extended leave for the purpose of healing-more emotional than physical. As such, I view this unique opportunity as a gift that requires effort on my part. I feel obligated to make healing my full-time job. I also feel compelled to use this time that I have been given for a greater purpose. I feel that I have found that purpose in deciding to walk for the March for Babies (March of Dimes). Emma's situation was not really related to prematurity, but the pain of a miscarriage, premature birth, stillbirth or birth defect is REAL, no matter what the circumstances. If I can contribute in any way to supporting doctors and families in eliminating this tragedy as much as possible, I will have served my purpose...and Emma's life and memory will be honored.

My second goal is to organize and facilitate a support group for women who have experienced pregnancy loss or the loss of any infant at any stage. The local area does not have the resources for this type of support. I travelled over an hour to participate in a meeting of this nature last night. Almost every woman I know that has become a mother has also become a bereaved soul from the loss of a pregnancy at some point. I have heard a lot of talk about the need to begin a support group, but it does not seem that much has been done to take positive action toward this goal. I was apprehensive about my first meeting last night (I had envisioned something on the lines of having to recite "Hi. My name is Kim and I am an alcoholic because my baby died last week." "Hi, Kim" "My life sucks because...") The group was not like this at all. It was sadly comforting to know that other women had experienced this type of loss and could snap their fingers and say "I KNOW how you feel!!!!" My wound is fresh, but if I can offer even one bereaved mother the support of an understanding ear, I will have achieved my purpose. I look forward to the opportunity to contribute to bereavement education, advocacy and support. After making the decision to fully devote myself to this task, I have achieved more peace than I have experienced since the day we learned of Emma's illness. The healing starts now.